life with the dubys

20 week ultrasound!

2011-05-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

weeks 19 and 20!!!! half way there!!!!!!!!!!

2011-05-16T02:46:00.000-07:00

we have finally made it to 20 weeks. crazy. so thankful, SOOOOOO thankful to have made it this far. god has been wonderful in reassuring me and sticking with me when i was feeling fearful about how this pregnancy would go. steve has been wonderful too... sort of christ with skin on during this time, a godsend.
we find out in 3 days what the gender is... crazy!
okay, well here is a picture at 19 weeks...

and... here's a few at 20 weeks (today!)!!

okie dokie=)
...and in other news... naomi and i are back from london and paris with many pictures and stories... so i'll post some of those soon=) some can be found on our travel blog, http://googlyeyesonfrenchfries.blogspot.com/ . naomi has been very diligent about updating it via her iphone despite our exhausting days and blogger being down for however many days.

18 weeks today... pregnancy update

2011-05-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

baby is movin' quite a lot now. i thought i felt things a couple weeks ago but wasn't sure...

now i've almost got it figured out how to get baby to move! i sit still and talk or sing to him/her...

or especially if steve talks=)

this second picture i think really helps... cause gravity moves away all my "extra stuff",

and all that's left to see is the baby bump =)

i'm not just fat i swear... maybe a little chubby AND pregnant?

2011-04-27T04:03:00.000-07:00

here i am at 17 weeks... gettin' there =)

to rosie, with love...

2011-04-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

now my life is rosie, since i found my rosie=)

5 weeks and six days...

2011-04-21T04:39:00.000-07:00

till we fly back to the states!

steve finished and submitted a huge writing project he was working on! yay!! we were going to go to the Isle of Skye for a few days this week, but have decided to wait a few weeks on that. SO... we are cleaning out the house this week, packing, and putting things up for sale that we won't be taking back to the states... such as our car=) sadly we won't be adding this license plate to our collection... they stay with the cars in the UK, as opposed to with the owners as it is in the US.

i'm also working on getting the guest bedroom ready for naomi. right now it's being used for stuff getting packed.

all this cleaning means stirring up bugs and spiders, so i'll be on the hunt for them in the next week. we've discovered a new bug. it's large, black, and really hard to squish. i'm really hoping it's not cockroaches. gross gross gross. this is a really old house and we've found it full of "wildlife". i think i'd rather deal with spiders than these creepy black beetles... or whatever they are...

4 weeks today till we find out the gender! it's been a weird time, having to wait 8 weeks from one ultrasound at 12 weeks, to the next 8 weeks later at 20 weeks. so weird to think about the idea of there being another human in our lives... for the rest of our lives... a boy or a girl... crazy!

i'm so thankful to have made it this far in this pregnancy. i found that the miscarriages sort of isolated me from people (by my own doing and/or other people's not knowing how to interact with me)... but i found comfort in the friends/family/family friends that shared stories and their own pain from losses... but now i feel somewhat guilty, or just sad, that some of their stories haven't reached happy endings (we haven't yet, but i feel more hopeful that we're on our way)... maybe i'm isolating myself from them, but know how i felt and i don't want to be put in the category with all the "normal" "casual" families... i'm still scared and i think i always will be. i've been forced to face the fact that this child i'm bearing could be ripped from my life at any point... and really, it was never mine... i just get to be the guardian for a while. sobering. i still need my friends who know pain... i feel closer to them than i do families who haven't faced loss. maybe that will balance out... i hope so. i've been in this funk for the last year and am so longing for some light. god has always brought good out of my pain. i know he will again... i'm just waiting to be on the other side so i can see it all clearly and come to life again=)

the dog days are over?

2011-04-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

the weather forecast said "mostly sunny" which appears to mean partly sunny... that's okay, i'll take it!!!
the days are longer now and we are getting more sun, even if it's just for a few hours. it seems like the sun and i are linked entirely. if it comes out, so do i =)

i think the first trimester tiredness and sickness is gone? i hope i hope. i was so thankful for it... it let me know i was indeed pregnant and with a healthy pregnancy (so far. thank you god!). now, at 14 weeks, my energy is starting to return and i can be on my feet without getting dizzy most of the time. i've gained 2lbs back of the 8 i lost while being sick the first trimester. apart from my lower abdomen feeling "full" (there is definitely something growing in there), i don't really feel pregnant... so i want to enjoy this time.
i spent a good deal of yesterday morning reading a blog i stumbled upon about a young family. they had one daughter and the woman was pregnant again, but lost the baby at 12 weeks. it took a while for them to get pregnant again. she shared openly about the struggles and fears of being pregnant again after their loss... all the way up until she gave birth... it was really encouraging and helped me get out of another little funk i got into in the last couple days (my mom had lost a baby at 7 months... her water had broken early. she was given a cerclage for her pregnancy with my younger brother and me. it's not hereditary, but it's made me think i still can't let my heart soak this baby up... i can't even think about what i would do if we lost this baby. so i'm not...)

i have a lot of catching up to do with cleaning this place. a little at a time. it took me forever to sweep the whole house yesterday. the broom is half the size of a normal broom and this house is SO long and there is so much dust... like someone keeps emptying the dryer lint all over the floor. i've never experienced that before living here. i did it though. next i'd like to vaccuum... with our shop vac... also a back breaking activity, but well worth it!

we're working on tying up all we need to here in scotland before flying to MI. less than 60 day! we sorely underestimated how expensive life here would be. god is getting us through, but we will be looking for work this summer to pay off some of the ridiculous amount of debt we've managed to accrue. having some income to start fighting it off will be a huge relief.

we've had some really hard stuff to deal with and figure out in the last year. we've both had really hard seasons, struggling with different things, but i'm so thankful that we have each other. steve is a godsend. i love having really hard talks or really deep talks, and still being able to laugh in the midst of it too... i love our sense of humor and just in general how we "get" each other.

naomi is coming in a few weeks, for two weeks. i think we'll mostly be sticking around our house for the first week while we fine tune our plans and gather some food. then we're off to london and then paris for the second week! i've never been to paris and am really looking forward to going with her. i think i'd like to do more girl get aways in the future. we'll be laughing a lot! i'm looking forward to that too=)

so now that i'm feeling better, the sun is making more appearances and staying out later, naomi is coming to go exploring with me, we're going to be with friends and family in MI soon, and we'll be in denver this fall... i feel like maybe possibly the dog days are over=)

baby!!!

2011-03-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

okay, so we're telling people now, but still no facebook. i think i just want this part of our life to be a little more private... not much, but just a little?

the tech spent about 15 minutes doing the ultrasound. i guess they're learning how to do a new test, so it took her a while to get the right angle and for the baby to be positioned right for it, so we got to watch him for a while! baby has a nose and a stomach, a nice round tummy, fingers, feet. he waved at us and sucked his thumb=) wiggled around a bit... it was really amazing. god has been good to us. this is overwhelming! the large cyst that was there 3 weeks ago is all gone too=)

sandwiches and stuff

2011-03-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

i asked steve a few questions that people ask me, to see how he would answer them... my point was that i feel like things have been pretty intense lately as we make some big decisions and deal with lingering anxiety from past losses and our current hopes... and i feel like i come across as a big downer. he described the delivery of harder topics as a sandwich... he starts of on an upbeat, more positive spin, then introduces a little of the hardship (allowing the person to either pursue it further, or move on), then finishes with another positive note. brilliant. i like being honest with people, but i don't want to knock them out with things they really weren't prepared to hear or whatever.

we have decided, because of a few different big things (mainly finances and some emotional stuff that has come from the last year of hardships. needing "home" more than usual. feeling isolated in this area.), that we are going to MI for the summer and then to denver in the fall. steve will continue his phd research part time working on it from denver. there are pro's and con's to this decision, but ultimately, it seems to be where things are leading so far... unless some new information gets introduced, this is what we'll be doing=) i've had a deep longing for "home" for a while. i'm surprised by this. i had thought of myself as more adventurous. i'm blaming some of it on the changes that happened in me since our miscarriages and maybe leaving denver too... a place both of us felt really at home.

i am in my 12th week of pregnancy now. it's till hush hush...
we have an ultrasound tomorrow. i'm not really worried, just really anxious... if i were worried i feel like i could get to the bottom of why i am... but this anxious feeling... i'm not sure where it's coming from or what to do with it except pray and distract myself. i am pretty moody as a result, so we just watched lord of the rings to save steve the grief of having to deal with this. things have been good, i feel growth inside my tummy. a friend described it as feeling "fuller" or like there's a water balloon in there... i can feel something when i stretch or twist. i haven't had any bleeding for 3 weeks now, since before our last ultrasound... also good. why am i anxious? people still loose their babies after 12 weeks... maybe that's why. i was told after my first miscarriage that it was my body just getting ready for pregnancy and i would most likely go on to have a healthy baby. it took 6 months to get pregnant again, and then i miscarried at 11 weeks. no one can promise it will be okay. all i can do is distract myself... i feel like that's pretty depressing.

i've started moving around a bit more. i have a little more energy. i'm starting to have an appetite. i'm down 8 lbs since we got pregnant... just no appetite and sickness. now i usually want something specific and nothing else... the joy i'm finding in food is pretty humorous to me. i made a big batch of panera's broccoli cheese soup and have been LOVIN' it... so satisfying... it makes me so happy.

so that's where we are right now. i've been wanting to take a belly picture and write to the baby in this little journal i bought for our first pregnancy, and wrote in for that one and the second one. i feel like i need to wait until tomorrow's scan before i let myself get attached to this baby. this is so hard. i am attached. i'm just trying not to fall apart over something i can't do anything about. i felt like god was giving me strength for a while, but now i feel like i've lost some focus or desire to pursue his strength and peace... like i've just gone a bit numb toward everyone till this passes... including him.

things will be different after tomorrow... or will they?
i know this is a season. i wish i was better at focusing on positives a little more, so the people around me sense joy in my life still. i feel like life is going to get better really soon. starting with naomi's visit in may and our little road trip, then moving back to the states, then denver... and hopefully baby in early october. god willing.

9 weeks!

2011-03-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

the appointment this morning went really well. we saw the heartbeating! the baby was wiggling around and jumped=) our little mustard seed! my mom calls it bobo=) i think that's what we'll call it.

the midwife put us back ahead to 9 weeks. she thought we were earlier last appointment, so we're so thankful to have a strong growing baby! we have another appointment march 21st. still a few more weeks till we hit the 12 weeks mark. i feel like god is walking with me. i feel really calm. maybe a bit in shock too, still trying to process the good news=)

the picture's not that great. it looked great on the screen, but printed terrible. the head is on the right side and it's little leg buds are on the left=)

steve turned 26 this week too! i made him a special cake and we were able to celebrate with friends=) i found a way to get our favorite drink from denver (snow bubble/ bubble tea/ bobas) shipped over here, so we're going to make those tonight! also we got toy story 3, skittles, and some mac and cheese in a package on his bday from his momma and that made my day=) the mac and cheese here leaves a lot to be desired.

we're going hiking to a secret beach with a couple friends and making a fire and s'mores 'n stuff tomorrow... hopefully we'll have great weather and get to watch the sunset over the sea.
this has been a great week. thank you god.

ordinary miracle.

2011-02-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

so after our scare last weekend, we are still in this. it's been another week full of all the hardships of a first trimester and i couldn't be more happy about it... reassures me that everything's on track. it's given me a sense of humor at times when i'm super weak. i don't know what to say about god... i was cursing at him when last friday when i was bleeding (sorry if tmi), then the next day apologizing for my conditional faith. he's been working on my faith. i feel so peaceful being on the happier side of a scary time. we find out thursday if the baby is healthy... has a heartbeat and is growing on track. milestones we've never made it to. i'm surprised how calm i feel... could be partly because i'm a little distracted by how sick and tired i feel all day=) i feel like, if god can grant me peace in such a time as this, after two previous losses, then i believe he'll be there to hold me up when i'm overwhelmed the joy that will come when i finally get to hold our healthy baby. i've thought till now that maybe i'm not meant to have this love because the joy of it would overcome me. bring it=)
oh ye of little faith, why did you doubt?
there is still a twinge of fear and doubt in the back of my mind... waiting for thursday, but i'm so thankful to be here in today.

broken record...

2011-02-18T05:09:00.000-08:00

i feel like we don't even get time to celebrate good news before bad news comes along to wipe out the memory of the good news. i had an ultrasound done wednesday and it looked good although i have a ovarian cyst which i was told is pretty normal, they'll just keep an eye on it. i was put at about 6 weeks because of my cycle schedule instead of 7 weeks that it would've been by generic dating calculations...

anyway... i just got done sending a super long email to a friend about our previous miscarriages and how we've found healing and told her we are pregnant again and hopeful this time, and then i went to the bathroom and found i had started to bleed some. i called my midwife and she told me to monitor it over the weekend and if it gets heavy, to call monday. i feel like throwing up. am i brave enough to try again if this fails? ...waiting again.

it's the weekend=)

2011-02-13T10:46:00.000-08:00

the weekend looks just about exactly the same as my week these days except that steve isn't studying so we get to play=) i went to a baby shower where all but me and one other woman were the only one's without kids and one other woman was single. among the 14 women there 4 (well 5) are pregnant. good grief! i feel like it's a breeding ground or some sort of human farming thing.

for the last 3 days i have been sick. yesterday brushing my teeth set me over the edge. everything smells worse than usual and nothing sounds good to eat. apples seem to be alright. i've never been happier to throw up in my life. i pushed myself out the door today so steve and i could go for a beautiful walk at sunset. i wasn't this sick this early with the last two pregnancies, so i can't help but be a little hopeful that maybe things are going how they're supposed to this time. my mom said she was awful sick with her first especially. i feel terrible but i'm pretty content=) ultrasound wednesday. till then i'll keep working on my scottish accent. i realized with all the americans around, i'll have to talk to our kids with an accent in order for them to pick it up... that and play "monarch of the glen" all day long so they're exposed to the dialogue=)

rollercoasters

2011-02-08T01:52:00.000-08:00

the last year has taken me all over the place... well physically and emotionally both i suppose=) we were in sunny denver in an apartment we loved, in an area we love, and near people we love. we found out we were pregnant but that same week i started miscarrying. steve graduated, we moved to MI for a couple months to stay with family for free (thanks mom and dad!!!), then moved over to scotland in the fall for steve's phd work. we found out a few weeks after being there that we were again pregnant! then several weeks later i miscarried again. we were able to fly to MI for a couple months which really helped... and steve was able to work on his research there too. we were getting ready to head back to scotland the end of january and found out we're pregnant again! strange... i'm not excited this time. more like paralyzed.

now here we are... about a week after being back in scotland. i tried to establish some habits while in MI to help me once i was here in the cold, depressing, damp isolation. it seems so hard to even stay out of bed. i'm trying to drink a lot of water, so if for no other reason, at least i'm getting up every hour to use the toilet=) i am fighting myself so hard right now. when we thought about moving to scotland and steve doing his phd here (a 3yr program... about), we thought of traveling, starting a family, and for me, well i had a beautiful list of things to do that included exploring the area, mingling with scots, finding a an artsy scottish friend to do cultural things with... travel to events in the bigger cities with, paint with... and for myself... i wanted to be super productive and paint all the time, set up my own little studio area in our house and go to town. i had the idea of spending countless hours in conversation with god like i used to do when i was single. this was going to be a time of spiritual revival in my life. here in this house in the countryside... my retreat. i suppose it is typical that i would try to "plan" my spiritual revival... that it might happen on my time and not god's. so here i am, lying in bed. i've had my organic raw apple cider vinegar (the easiest of my MI habits), used the toilet, and grabbed my computer on the way back to bed... trying to motivate myself to put my work out clothes on=) i have an appointment in a week at the hospital for a scan. until then i'm trying hard not to think about it... but there are reminders throughout the day as i have different symptoms.

there are songs that tend to flow in and out of my life at different seasons. among others right now, alanis morissette's not as we... it goes

reborn and shivering
spat out on new terrain
unsure, unconvincing
this faint and shaky hour

day one, day one
start over again
step one, step one
i'm barely making sense
for now I'm faking it
til I'm pseudo-making it
from scratch, begin again
but this time i as i
and not as we

gun-shy and quivering
timid without a hand
feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

i have a slue of songs that encourage me and lift me up as well, but this is me raw.

we're not announcing this pregnancy and further more, i'm trying to distract myself and not think about it, so please save announcing it to anyone else, or posting something on facebook till we do... if this pregnancy sticks, we'll announce it in april. it's hard to try to keep up with friends and family when i feel like i feel. i suppose i'm a bit depressed, and that's okay, but i'm much more anti social than usual when i'm feeling a bit down... ahh!!

off to attempt some exercise and revival!!! hurrah!!! =)

house share?

2011-01-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

we are trying to figure out if we'll be able to share a house with another couple. i know there are pro's and con's, but i think mostly pro's... and i'm super excited about many aspects of it.
to be continued.

one more week in MI... oh so random

2011-01-21T06:45:00.000-08:00

i've been knitting and researching nutrition quite a bit. i love learning about random things. i think it's possible to read too much, but i want to be aware of the things i'm putting in my body so, if i do choose to drink an energy drink (which i completely quit over a year ago), i know full well what i'm engaging in. i did a 3 day juice fast last month... i'll never know if what i experienced during that first day was my reaction to it, or if i had the flu. =) it was interesting. i didn't feel a bit hungry until the third night but it wasn't too terrible. i think i could've lasted another few days. very nutritious. now i want a juicer!

our whole week is planned out now. we're packing and cleaning our room today so we'll be able to enjoy the time we have left. whether i'm ready or not, we are going back to scotland the 31st and will be there through at least may. we have plans to possible visit friends in madrid, naomi is coming to visit in may, and possibly paris for a language study this summer. oh, and we might do a house share with another couple and i'm pretty excited about that. we really like the couple we would live with and our rent would be half what it is... saving us a great deal and making his phd more financially possible. we weren't sure how we were going to make it work financially. US money doesn't go as far over there, so we'd be pretty stuck by this summer even with the loan amount we received. we still have questions about god's plan in this... our HUGE borrowing to fund education for what we and other's believe is steve's calling... knowing he doesn't want us to borrow. the house share is a big answer to prayer.

i haven't been able to get back into painting yet. this has been a season of artistic constipation. i need a stool softener=) i'm working on an afghan. i suppose at least there's some color there. i'm looking forward to the warmth of it.

the tension between my mom and i is growing a bit with my leaving in the near future. both of us, i think, feel somewhat helpless and not ready for this separation. her life is so stressful to her and it's hard for me to leave knowing that she's calmer and happy around me... and she calms me too. it's funny how much i see myself in my mom and dad. things i appreciate about them, and things that i see as weakness. like holding a mirror.

So, i will be doing some child care. we are as of now planning on staying in scotland till steve can fulfill the minimum residency requirement which we think is two years (meaning 1.5yrs left)... i can do 1.5yrs =) we bought a car back in october... it's mr bean type car. super super tiny. it has magical abilities to fit in any parking spot. i have a winter coat that says it's best for "arctic" weather. perfect! =) we're going to do some things to make our house warmer and less inhabited by spiders and that should help a lot=) we've also been praying for healing and a healthy pregnancy/baby.

it's been a while since we've been in denver. i know people will start to forget about us and we have some people. it makes me sad, but i know i can't hold on to all of them. i'm thankful for facebook for that i suppose.

off to cleaning and packing and soaking up pandora.com while i still can!...

a new year

2011-01-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

it is. thank god. i am excited about this year. with so much hard stuff behind us now, we're moving forward and i am very hopeful. i'm encouraged even though nothing has really changed except that little number to 2011. we are heading back to scotland soon and i'm feeling a little stronger than i did a month ago. i think we can do this. i'm going to offer myself for childcare, even though we decided i would take a break from other people's kids and enjoy my life without them before we have our own. we need some income!.. and really i enjoy kids a lot. they inspire me and give me life.
   i ordered a winter coat tonight. silly as it is, i feel more prepared for the pain of the wet cold scotland winter. this could be our year. we live in scotland! i'm ready to see what's ahead, explore, love life... and hopefully grow our little family, god willing. this year i want to be more intentional with my relationships. that also means being more picky about them... so i'm picking about 5-8 friends to keep up with each month. this is frequent compared to my usual correspondence. i want to pursue and nurture relationships that i appreciate instead of letting them drift like i usually do. we'll see=)
   i'm not painting. i tried a couple days ago... got all my stuff together, even new brushes, but alas... my heart wasn't in it. i need to find a way to motivate myself. i have a possible commissioning in my future and i love deadlines, so that could be the ticket. i'll figure something out.
   fingers crossed.
   hands open.

merry christmas!

2010-12-29T07:24:00.000-08:00

love love love when my family gets together. we have our quirks, but christmas morning is quite lovely. breakfast casseroles and all the yummy stuff on the table with it, stockings and such as well, but just seeing everyone and watching the kids. i think i definitely find more joy in giving homemade gifts, for the kids especially. it is lovely to still be in the states. i'm not minding the snow that's staying on the ground one bit. it's a beautiful winter. my parents backyard is covered in white snow, the pool i painted this summer is nice and colorful, and the neighbors really tall tree is covered in thick ivy and, though it may die from the ivy eventually, it is so beautiful. pretty picture from the couch here.
making a list of people across the world that i want to work more at keeping in touch with... i'm spread too thin. i want some deep relationships, so i need to work harder at being a more consistent friend... possible news year resolution? i suppose=)

confusing...

2010-12-20T10:36:00.000-08:00

my doctor in scotland told me about a month ago to take a pregnancy test a week after my miscarriage was "complete". so i took it yesterday. the test came back positive still. according to the test i am still pregnant.
strange to want or need it to actually be negative... that's a first for me. sad to see "pregnant" but know it's just the last traces of my pregnancy, our child.

i think my hormones must be still adjusting and i read somewhere that part of the pregnancy could still be in there and won't come out till i get my "cycle". pleasant huh... sorry. this is my life. strange to be processing christmas through all this. i'm curious to see what god will do with all this mess.

transition.

2010-12-15T18:33:00.000-08:00

we are in MI now. i started miscarrying a few weeks ago and we were able to find reasonable flights to the states. the miscarriage took 18 days to complete. this is our second miscarriage. i can not begin to explain what this does. it effects every aspect of my life and leaves me feeling pretty lonely. i am so thankful for all the stories of friends and family that have gone through similar things or even much harder things... but at the end of the day... there is still a void. now i have two sweet sweet babies in heaven and they are surrounded by some of the most wonderful people i have met that have passed and are in heaven now.
   the pain of again being barren when siblings, friends, and family are getting pregnant on accident... unwanted pregnancies especially are hard to witness. this is life. life is hard. i have plenty of good moments, but they are even tainted and it feels strange when i laugh. i am thankful to be with family. i would be in a really dark place without this love and distraction. i am wrestling with god right now. i feel angry at him sometimes, but then when i'm not thinking about it, i find i'm talking to him about how much everything hurts. even in normal conversations with people when i'm not thinking about it, i find my eyes tearing and then i remember what i'm going through... like my body is grieving even when mentally i'm somewhere else. for the first time in my life i'm considering an anti depressant.

scotland...
   so beautiful and so much to see and take in! it seemed like a dream as it approached this last summer. strange though, now that we're there, things have not been what we thought. simple things we assumed would be present are missing. there are many blessings about our life there, our landlord and friends, but many frustrations and disappointments that make life there seem pretty stifling... mostly to me.
   we are in a pretty small university town. so apart from the university activities there's not much going on for culture. there are a couple galleries around town, but as far as cultural activities go or art groups, they are very rare. we are looking to move to edinburgh possibly. it's a city, a real city=) also steve's program seems to attract a lot of americans and we have been graciously welcomed into a great group of friends. we had assumed we would be meeting and interacting with scots though... even at church americans seem to be taking leadership roles and preaching. is it bad to be so disappointed that they're american?
   financially... say an item is 50 US dollars, in scotland that same item would be 50 GBP. 50 GBP equals about 75 US dollars... so our money doesn't got as far. the cost of everything over there is a great deal more. we've started playing with the idea of living in denver and steve doing his PhD via distance, or going over there a couple times each year for however long. it's so much cheaper to live in the US! i could continue my education and pursue painting and shows. the idea of being back in denver is something that i want so badly especially with dealing with depression from the miscarriage and other family and friend's hardships. i feel terrible being so far from the people i love. i need them and they need me too. i always thought i was great at adjusting to moves... but i think the miscarriage sort of rocked me down deep and i'm more sober and aware of my relationships and having a 'home'. our house in scotland doesn't feel like home to us at all. it would be a lovely place to stay for a visit. i suppose i'm tired of starting over. i feel broken and now stripped of life. i feel like i left myself in denver and i'm just an empty shell now. the small town and cold house we live in i feel like is killing me slowly. not physically... but the person i feel like god brought to life while we lived in denver has been shut up. i'm suffocating and feel so claustrophobic it's unbearable. i'm praying steve's supervisor will let him continue his research from denver. that would be a miracle and all i want for christmas.

this is just part of my life right now... but i read something about journaling helping, and as much as i recommend it to people, i thought i should take my own advice. so though this may be a depressing entry. it's real. we're in a hard place. there are so many good times and steve is my best friend and greatest love... but life is still hard sometimes.

i miss naomi and so much of what we have in our friendship and i want to be in denver.
i ache for janelle. i'm broken for so many friends as they struggle with different things. jen and deirdre, family friends and extended family. there are so many broken people right now... it feels terrible to consider going back to scotland where we're isolated and so far away from everyone we love.

yes, scotland... it's raining!!!

2010-09-23T04:20:00.000-07:00

ahhh! where to start... hmm...
adjusting. pretty much sums it up... it is absolutely beautiful here for sure. chilly most of the time, but i love the temps. i prefer cooler weather.

we are in the middle of getting adjusted. our landlord has made it much easier than it could've been on us. all the cultural differences including driving on the left side of the road, voltage differences, pounds vs dollars, celsius, centimeters, etc! steve's doing well with driving. i've yet to try, my name's not on the rental agreement (good excuse?). we're still waiting on many many things in the mail.
steve's term begins sept 27th. we've visited the school grounds and steve was given a desk assignment for the next three years. it's in a great place with a window looking over some old buildings. he is thrilled considering the other options (a desk in the middle of the room or one in a corner facing the wall!). this is where he'll set up shop and do almost all of his researching and writing during the next three years! we met some other students also starting their divinity phd this term. in the room where steve's desk is, there are 8 other desks and various shelving. there is actually a guy, andrew, that steve knows from denver seminary! there are several other rooms of desks that steve could've been placed in, so he's pretty stoked about this.

we have met a few people, but i am still trying to clean up our home so i'm not scared of it! there are so many spiders and spiderwebs... and HUGE spiders!
i really like our landlord's wife debbie. we had dinner with them monday. she's actually from pennsylvania... the valley forge area. she shared a lot of the struggles she went through when she moved here with her (scottish) husband. she shared about her church and about her ministry with the female university students. after they asked us loads of questions, her husband ken said debbie and i are really similar in a lot of ways. she also told me about a couple other artists that attend their church... one is an older (older than me) lady that has purple streaks in her hair. i think we'll be great friends=)

god has brought a lot of things together in different ways that have encouraged us, and he's also letting us struggle still... for me as i struggle through more adjusting and figuring out what/where god wants me to be in this season. i have looked forward to this season of peace. more time than i've ever had to just sit with him and converse/pray. i haven't done this since i was single. i used to be in constant conversation with him throughout my day and i felt like he spoke to me through everything around me... that was a rich time of my life, spiritually. i'm so tired of trying to juggle everything and feeling like i barely know him... i feel like i'm throwing my life at him now. my life is stripped away from me and i feel raw, but there's something really peaceful about it.
...all my normal entertainment has been delayed in getting here (my paintbrushes aren't here yet, i ordered some canvas but it also isn't here yet, our dvds don't work in uk players, netflix and pandora both don't work in the uk, uk wii games won't work in our US wii, my knitting is somewhere between MI and here, our US cell phones are off and i can't text people in the US, so all my relationships that were mostly text based, have dwindled, and more).
i think everyone should have to go through the adjustments that come with moving out of state at least, but to another country if possible. i think since the move to denver was only 4 years, the feelings and struggles i went through then are fresh on my mind, so i think this will be easier in some respects and i am SO thankful that we went through that. it was a sort of warm up to this move.

we are so far away from friends and family in the states. my whole life up until this moment was spent there, so all my relationships and all my concerns are there. i feel some sadness when i think about everyone and everything we're missing, but i know this time will fly just like our time in denver did, so i'm trying to soak it up.

there's a girl from the states who just moved here for her undergrad. everywhere i go i find myself in some setting working/hanging out with young women. i'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out while we're here!

i'd love to think that god will do amazing things in this time just as he did in denver, so although i have some frustrations and fears, i have a deep feeling of anticipation as we settle in for this season... and... i'm excited to paint some scottish landscapes, knit some blankets, go to football games or watch them with friends at local pubs=), god-willing start a family, learn some music, and hopefully just do life with the friends we'll meet=)

PACKING!!!! ...again...

2010-09-09T06:54:00.000-07:00

it stands thus...

One Steven Duby
One Jodi Duby
vs
Lots of Crap...

let the battle begin.
thankfully we went through this once back in june, so really our stuff is pretty condensed now. we just have to get about 10 bins of necessary stuff jammed into 6... all equal to or less than 50lbs each. ha=)

family

2010-09-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

it's been done in movies, comedies, horror, romance, dramas... drama..., even science fiction. family dynamics that make us smile, cry, laugh, sigh, scream, and swear like sailors. i'm thrown head in into all of my family's... stuff. this season for me has been trying. starting about a year and a half ago and getting harder starting with the spring this year... continuing to escalade with the stresses of moving across the country... and then across the globe. extended time in michigan (this is to be expected) has broken me in new ways. family should take care of family... there's a fine line between that and taking advantage. i feel tired of it... tired of allowances and excuses lending to continued irresponsibility.
...and at the heart of me i'm aching and in the fetal position. it has broken me to find myself unable to share pain with my family. vulnerability gets used as amunition. i think i maybe knew this but hoped for better. these are the people i long to be closest to as i move so often. so what now?
be still before the lord and wait patiently for him? trust in him and do good? dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness...
faithfulness... yes...
yadda yadda yadda but it still hurts?
delight myself in the lord and he'll give me the desires of my heart? i'm seeing multiple meanings... one really nice, and one really deceitful... who are you god?
i wish i didn't need them. still though, i sit here... steve... my best friend... there has never been a better lover.

empty

2010-07-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

i thought these days were over. feeling an emptiness i knew only god should fill. meeting my husband moved me out of this emptiness 5 years ago and let me move forward and discover who i am, the strength in me. sad it took getting married for me to pursue this. i am thankful for the journey.
   now i grieve my empty womb. after frustrations with people in the way their pregnancies changed them and friendships, here i am. finally after years and years of knowing i wanted this, the time is here, but again i'm reminded that this is out of my control. i am broken again each month as my body starts over and i hit a wall. a hard truth that again, i am empty. this painful shedding is as blunt as it gets. i'll lay in a ball for 2-3 days in great physical pain. i feel somewhat thankful for it... my body is grieving too.
   i will keep trying with open hands... as pathetic as i feel for letting this get to me so much. i wish i had been better educated that it could be like this. i know i'm not alone, but i feel it right now. until i move from here or until i meet someone else going through it... i think i am... well, sort of=)
so continues my journey.
   we're moving and i lost my journal... thanks blogspot.

seriously... it's been a long time

2008-09-22T15:11:00.001-07:00

this is the easiest way to show you pictures without a facebook account. mom, you probably should get one... i'll help you=)

)

here's what my hair looks like now! i won't see you for about 3 months, so who knows what it'll be like then!

school, geography, art history, 2-D design, college algebra... AHHH!!!

almost done, biology is all that's left to make me miserable =)

it's really quite beautiful here. wish you were here.

english paper- rough draft

2008-07-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

None of my pictures or page #'s were able to post. The format is way off. I fixed it all for this post, but it didn't show up, it just looked all screwed up. So try to look past the formating, I'll show the rest in class. I haven't figured out how to publish my paper (blog/website/print/email all doesn't work)

Media V. Women

(I need a better title)

Jodi Duby

English Composition II

click here

Rising numbers of anorexia and other eating disorders are just one example of results from pressure put on women, from prepubescent all the way to later adulthood. Television shows such as “Sex in the City”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, “The Bachelor”, and just about any romantic comedy movie gives women the impression life, relationships, and our bodies have to be a certain way in order to be happy and accepted. (Rohter)

What comes to to mind when you hear the word attractive?...

We have McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Taco Bell, then we have liposuction, plastic surgery, and breast implants. I met a 24 year old woman who just had breast implants. Her and five of her friends and their friends all had implants within three months of each other! It’s 5 to 6,000 dollars for a good doctor and better quality implants. Already this woman is complaining of pain from bra straps digging in to her shoulders, back pain, and having a hard time finding bras that don’t hurt or look like “granny bra’s”. Maybe she should have gotten these adjustable implants (not real)! A woman (24) with beautiful curly brown hair wants “easier to work with” straighter blond hair and so spends anywhere from 120 to 180 dollars every two months to get her hair relaxed and colored. Where as her friend has straight hair and spends the money to get it permed so she can have her friends curls.

Media has a negative impact on the way women view themselves and there need to be some changes made. People may be unaware of this. Prime time TV has a target audience. The script writers know how to write a show that will reach and entice people. I want to discuss three negative effects that really demonstrate how important it is that the media depict women in a more realistic way.

First of all, young girls even as early as first grade have had enough images pass by their eyes to formulate a distorted view of what they are supposed to look like. This is an ad from Target for girls underwear. These are size 6 PADDED BRAS!! That is the size the average first grader wears!

The idealized 35-45 year old feminine figure of Barbie dolls are... well...

“We're sick of fat, plastic Barbies. Everyone wants Bratz.”

Fat Barbies... hmm... I remember wondering when my body would start looking like hers!

June 20, 1991

dear diary,

i'm 9! mom got me some bratz dolls for my birthday, jenny gave me a bratz sleeping bag, sarah gave me a hannah montana purse, and mom doesn't know, but there's makeup inside! sarah said if we get to school early we can put it on. mom said she's gonna get me some clothes too. sarah said she got a padded bra and i want one too. she is so pretty. i said i was full and didn’t have any cake. sarah said that’s how people get fat. i don’t want to get fat.

Bratz dolls are a younger more sexualized doll with unrealistically proportioned bodies and facial features, airbrushed makeup and skin, perfect plastic hair, short skirts, small shirts, a slender figure, and tiny waist, and all the accessories. Fergie has her own Bratz doll fashioned and named after her. Fergie also sings this:

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.

They say I’m really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin’ at my lump, lump.
U can look but you can’t touch it.

There are still the whole series of Barbie movies and they keep making them because they are making money. Fairytopia, Mermaidia, the Princess and the Pauper, with all the characters displaying the same typical Barbie figure, with exception of the occasional more portly, less attractive king and queen who are represented as evil. An interesting message to send.

Although sexual content in the media can affect any age group, adolescents may be particularly vulnerable. Adolescents may be exposed to sexual content in the media during a developmental period when gender roles, sexual attitudes, and sexual behaviors are being shaped. This group may be particularly at risk because the cognitive skills that allow them to critically analyze messages from the media and to make decisions based on possible future outcomes are not fully developed. (Gruber)

Posted by IamMoose:

Someone once 'proved' - presumably jokingly - that given her dimensions (miniscule waist, large chest) if Barbie were a real woman she would not in fact be able to stand upright...

Posted by Lucybird:

Yep I've heard that before, and Bratz of course wouldn't be able to hold their heads up... wouldn't they make great models ?!”

Posted by Bonta Kun:

Well since Twiggy was renowned for her skinniness I think the doll's proprtions could be pretty realistic for her! I heard, but I've never checked if its true, that she and a lot of models in the 60s would deliberately have worms so they could eat lots and stay skinny. Kind of gross!

A mother who has been influenced by the media’s message that women should look perfect and thin can easily pass that message on or reinforce it in her daughter’s already impressionable mind. Designer clothes, makeup, high heels and manicures at the age of 3 or 4 may seem cute and fun to have your daughter trying to act so grown up, but instead of playing and being carefree, she is trying to be like her mother, like the women she sees on the billboards, on television, in advertisements and movies. Around the age of 6 young girls have pretty concrete ideas about what they think they should look like. Girls have reported that the media models the right look, how to become popular and attract boys. They relate to the teens on television, movies, and the internet as examples of how to behave for example, in sexual situations (Gruber). It is important to start talking to them about these influences and about what really matters before the media has completely imposed their standards of beauty. The media should start helping mothers rather than standing as the opposition. Watch “Onslaught”.

September 8, 1996

Dear Diary,

Sarah and I are at different schools now. I think she might be throwing up after meals too. We don’t talk about it. Actually we haven’t really talked since we started 6th grade. She had a boyfriend and I started exercising a lot. We both lost a lot of weight and now I have a boyfriend. We started having sex a couple months ago. He’s had sex before and says it’s not a big deal. Its on tv all the time. He said Sarah and Jamie have sex too. Mom thinks I’m getting skinnier cause I’m getting taller and that I should “fill out soon, but I’m already fat. The fat girls at school get made fun of. Not me!

Second, I want to discuss the impact these implied expectations have on women’s body image. Let’s start with eating disorders. To state the obvious, we are all naturally insecure at some level and the media communicates that we have good reason to be. Even as young as 7 or 8, young girls start some form of dieting. Eating disorders start as early as 7 to 12 years old. This obsession with an unattainable beauty consumes a girls life, effecting self-esteem and in turn effecting her choices in activities and life goals. Bulimia starts with one time of anxiety over what was just eaten, what it will do to her body. It consumes until the decision is made to get it out. Throw it up. It starts to happen maybe once a week, then more and more until a binge/purge method is a typical meal habit.

Anorexia is commonly found in young women who are motivated, have a lot of self discipline, and are ‘most likely to succeed’. Fasting, eating very little to sustain themselves, and obsessing over exercise are characteristics of anorexia. Overeating is yet another disorder where food is used as a comfort (think of that feeling after a thanksgiving meal where you feel relaxed and tired, even peaceful) and even seen as a friend. (Harrison)

Now for the very thin, especially thin because of diet, breast size is usually one of the first things lost, so we have a surgery for that. For those who eat too much (or are still not as thin as desired after dieting and starving), we have liposuction. For those who have aged we have a whole slew of surgeries and creams to help firm skin, reduce wrinkle appearance, along with some nip and tuck surgeries, botox injections, and even tattoo makeup. There is a whole market out there to help women edit their bodies to imitate what is done on computer to images before we see them. Check out Evolution. We know the media uses airbrush and photoshop, but we are at the same time convinced we can look like that with some work.

"Tweens Spend $500 Million a Year on Beauty Products"-says New York magazine

Along with this image we as women are after, comes a good deal of spending, from surgeries, to trying to keep up with constant changes in the clothing trends. Now we’re in debt. This distorted self image sends women all over looking for things to make us feel better, a diet, a magazine, a surgery, new makeup, new hairstyle, new clothes, and of course, a beau.

June 28, 1999

Dear Diary,

I had an abortion this morning. Jeff broke up with me when I told him I was pregnant 2 months ago. I hate my life. Mom’s making me see a doctor really often. I don’t care. They just don’t get me.

Finally, I’ll address the unhealthy effects of the media as they play out in the relationships of women with a poor self image. Girls have reported that the media models the right look, how to become popular and attract boys. They relate to the teens on television, movies, and the internet as examples of how to behave for example, in sexual situations. Women seeking approval, validation, acceptance, and love, are quickly attached and drawn to physical affection. If someone wants to be with you physically, it communicates that you are indeed desirable, accepted, and loved. Young women (and women in general) can quickly turn to sex as something that makes them feel better. Physical closeness is closely tied to emotional closeness, so women can find some safety in this. Add Grey’s Anatomy or Sex in the City, and a woman is open to sleeping with other people who appeal to her emotionally. You connect with someone, you sleep with them. Even if you are in a relationship, and even if they are. If there is insecurity because of poor self image, a woman is insecure in a relationship. She doubts herself, she doubts another person really can accept her. She doubts a man’s faithfulness because she sees other women as more desirable and beautiful. Studies show that adolescent girls who are sexually active watch more TV with more sexual content, whereas abstinent adolescents watched much less. The younger girls are introduced to TV with sexual content. TV is seen as a means of learning the rules, rituals, and skills of romance and relationships. (Gruber)

July 22, 2008

Dear diary,

I’m still here. Still going to counseling. Doc says if I can keep my weight where it’s at now I don’t have to keep coming in so often. We have different ideas of a “healthy” weight, but I don’t want to get so sick again either. My hair looks gross from it. Mom seems happier with me getting better, everyone does. I guess I do to. It’s so hard. I still feel fat. It’s hard to look in the mirror and smile at what I see. Doc said it’ll be a hard fight, being happy with myself and not going back to old habits. Jen came with me to my last appointment and she’s keeping me accountable now. Okay, well on with life I guess...

I have come a long way. I grew up in a home influenced by the media in most of the ways I described. I would say by God’s grace is the only reason I’ve passed through it, worked through it and today feel like I have a pretty healthy self image. I see exactly what is going on with the media and am passionate about helping young women see it too, and find a place where they are satisfied with themselves. I recommend parents or youth workers to read Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher and I have other great resources to recommend if you would like to contact me. But the media also needs to do something to help change this unhealthy model of a healthy or normal woman. When selecting models, actresses, and spokes people, they need to use real people. They need to present a broader range of size, age, ethnicity, and “beauty”. One step in the right direction has been made by Dove. There are different commercials showing things such as the process of a woman, starting from plain jane with skin blemishes and dark circles, to a billboard beauty. They have a website with information and tools for parents, mentors, and girls, to combat the negative messages being sent by the media, and they are raising money to spread awareness and help change this unhealthy trend. Until the media has anything constructive to offer though, I think I’ll just keep my television set off.

Bibliography

Dove. Advertisement. Onslaught 12 July 2008

Rohter, Larry. “In the Land of Bold Beauty, a Trusted Mirror Cracks.” The New York Times 14 Jan. 2007

Harrison, K., and J. Cantor. “The Relationship between Media Consumption and Eating Disorders.” Journal of Communication. 47.1 (1997): 40-68

Dove. Advertisement. Evolution 12 July 2008

Pipher, Mary. Reviving Ophelia. New York: G. P. Putnam’s sons, 1994.

Cosmopolitan.com 12 July 2008. Hearst Communications, Inc.

Eldredge, John and Stasi. Captivating. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Inc., 2005.

Dillow, Linda, Lorraine, Pintus. Intimate Issues. Colorado Springs: Waterbrook Press, 1999.

(names changed to “protect the innocent”), Personal Interviews. 22 July, 2008

Questionnaire

Gruber, Enid, Joel, Grube. “Adolescent sexuality and the media.” Western Journal of Medicine v.172.3 (March 2000): 210-214. PubMed Central. 21 July, 2003 <http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov>

okay, this distracted me from my homework, so i thought i'd share it =)

2008-07-19T22:01:00.001-07:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Hmm... does this work?

This weekend

2008-07-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

frontier ranch! what an awesome awesome place. i don't have time to write all about it, but i'm excited about being able to be involved this fall. being a part of students lives.

i've started a project for my psychology class in which we're supposed to break a bad habit, or start a good one. i chose health... exercise, more water, healthier choices with food, getting 8 hrs. sleep, stop eating by 7pm... if i am able- being with friends or away from home makes some of these hard. we've been up till two a couple of the last few nights...

spontaneous goodness =)

after working out we got a phone call to hang out at a house where some friends were house sitting. amazing. they had a huge tv, we played guitar hero =) and beautiful backyard with jacuzzi... that was fun... the water level was too low until all 8 of us got in.

drew got in, the jets got turned on, and since the water was low, the jets shot the water right at his face... sweet.

it was such a good night. it was so rejuvenating.

now to get back to work with these last few weeks of school, papers, finals... lots of work. this weekend was much needed.

English comp blog-non english folk ignore

2008-07-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

magical magical =)

it's late. i probably should wait to write this till tomorrow morning... oh well. i'm looking forward to the multi-genre paper. i think it's interesting. i enjoy being random... really it's just that i can carry on 8 conversations at once and most people can't keep up... so it's not me, it's you =) haha

i think this paper will be liberating =) i'm as excited for this assignment as i can get for an assignment in a class that is required. really though... remember i said it's late. i was up till 4:30am this morning doing homework...

doing the workshop in class gave me some ideas, even though i wasn't up for workshop... so thanks to you brave souls that blazed the trail... hmm...

really though my paper topic makes me sad when i start working on it. i guess on the flip side though i can get excited about volunteering/teaching, and the opportunities i'll have through that to reach some of these women so effected by media culture. but as for multi-genre... there are some pretty sick (as in spiffy) things that will be fun to add.

our garden!!

2008-06-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

mom this is for you especially. i wish you could see our garden in person. i think it looks better that way... oh well =)

this picture was taken June 7th....

...and this one (w/out prickers) June 18th

i just got done pulling a ton of picker bushes (weeds-we call picker or pricker bushes in michigan-they 'prick' you when you touch them- for any one unfamiliar with this term )

some of the pictures in this slideshow were taken 11 days ago, some of them taken today. look for the growth in our plants from just those 11 days!

just click on the flower =)

our garden 2008

english class-potential paper topic

2008-06-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

a topic... a topic...
the topic i will be writing about is issues of identity in women. i'm still trying to narrow the age range i'll be focusing on.

i've listened to many women around me who have opened up about things that they struggle with, the common thing seems to be that they feel like they are the only ones feeling what they feel, or that their struggles are unique to them.

i've worked with high school/junior high girls through college age women and have loved the chance to speak into their lives. the issues still linger into adulthood and now that is what i'm around.

i have wanted to write something that could be available for the women who live on campus, visit campus, or attend school where my husband does (where we live), that could encourage them, let them see they are not alone, and help them start to share deep fears, etc, with their friends.

i'm going to be handing out a survey on campus. the audience i'm intending on reaching is there, and i need their input. i want to use the results of the survey even to show them how many people are in the same place emotionally/mentally as they are.

i'm sure my paper topic/thesis/claim will evolve a good deal... i'm okay with that.

any thoughts?

buena vista (and fib ark!)

2008-06-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

woo hoo!!

back and finally clean=)

steve/laura, jen/tom, and my steve and i went camping this weekend in buena vista, co. we got there friday, set up camp, hiked saturday. the views were amazing while driving around. we went in to salida to where fib ark was hosted and watched some kayakers, make-shift-raft rafters, and a couple guys surfing down the river with an oar... the arm strength! i'm gonna start lifting=) watch out!

the meals were great, the campground and weather were perfect for us, and we had such a good time with our friends.

i feel like i've come a long way since we moved here 1 1/2 yrs. ago. i was starting a new nanny position, just working to pay the bills, dreaming of when we would start our own family and being a stay at home mom. now after different experiences, i still want kids, but not any time soon. i've found my passion again, and it's attainable! i've found joy again and passion for life and everything around us. i love my friends.

i've been moving around since i was sixteen. now at 26 i grow weary when i think about moving to another place, let alone another country (scotland in 2 yrs), after finally getting to a point here where we've found some friends we really connect with on a deeper level. friends who are real with us, and with whom we can be real (and still have them invite us back... hehe).

so refreshing!

this is life. i embrace it. run with it.

eng comp. assignment- issue - recycling

2008-06-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

i had a hard time picking an issue.

i know recycling is important, some people don't care about it. personally, my husband and i recycle as much as possible. so i'll talk about it.

last weekend i went to downtown denver for the sidewalk chalk exhibit in larimer (spelling?) square. it was amazing what people did with chalk!

here are a few of my favorite 'chalkings'.

at the exhibit there were different booths set up for different vendors including a booth unmanned that just had a display box with different items in different little cubbies. each cubby was labled with what the item was and how long it would take to decompose if thrown away and put in a landfill. it was amazing how long. the shortest amount of time was something like a leaf. the longest was styrofoam which doesn't decompose. diapers were rediculous, like 400 yrs or something (don't quote me). glass bottles, plastic bottles, shoes, etc. oh, and plastic bags are aweful!!! i was shocked!

it was even more encouragement to recycle. our trash just builds up over time and the amount of trash we compile in the short time we do is so vast compared to the time it takes for all of it to decompose. we are burying ourselves... this is the same world our offspring will have to live in, and many generations after. is it SO inconvenient to rinse things out well, put them in a bag or bin, and recycle it?! i understand some people don't have access to easy recycling, but there are recycling centers, so just put the stuff in bags, set it aside in your garage (it should be pretty clean after you've rinsed it out, so you shouldn't have a smell problem), and take it in when you get a good amount. less trips, still doing a great thing for future generations, and this planet. how grose to think about a planet that has so much trash built up that people have to build homes etc. on top of landfills, live next to them. a stinky mess.

reduce, reuse, recycle. good idea.

english class intro

2008-06-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

hey guys, this is for my english comp class. we are supposed to introduce ourselves, so this may seem like somewhat of an odd entry for anyone not in my english class =)

i am 26 years old. i am married. my husband steve and i were married in august of 2005 in michigan where we are both from. we love colorado and hope to stay. he is working on his master's degree and will be done in may of 2010, so i have until then to finish my undergrad. we are moving to scotland after that for his phd work.

i am working on my BFA (fine arts with a painting concentration). i hope to teach high school art some day. i love working with young women, mentoring, and look forward to having the opportunity to encourage that age.

i love my husband. i love being with him. we love being outside. camping, hiking/backpacking, any water sport. we live right next to the platte, so we enjoy tubing when it's too hot to move. we live on campus at his school and love the community. we both love music. we met in a band... cute. he plays guitar, bass, vocals, and i play mostly piano, guitar, and once i played the accordian to fill a part in a song... anyway. i started taking tap dancing in january 2007 and love it. i love older movies with all the crazy dancing.

i had been working a lot to help pay bills etc. as my husband works on his master's. now he is working and taking classes so i can kick butt and finish my degree before we move to scotland. he is a huge blessing in my life. he is a huge source of support and confidence. he is so good to me.

i love where we live and am excited with the goals and dreams that are ahead of us, God willing!
it's nice to meet you all =)

an update for update's sake

2008-05-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

alright drew...

anyway,

i'm done "officially" working (i'll still be working some hours here and there... including yesterday and tomorrow for babies of seminary students).

my classes started this week. wednesday. i only had one this week... and i forgot about it.

poop.

better luck next week i suppose! i have all my books and I've been looking forward to classes starting, and then i missed my first one.

this summer has started out a lot of fun. last summer we didn't really have a good group of friends yet. we're excited about having more friends and more time to spend with them. also, we have our garden and it's so satisfying to watch things grow. i picked 3 strawberries today and they were so sweet! let the harvesting begin!

i had a really awesome day talking with a friend. i think everyone can relate to feeling a connection with someone. i'm really excited about getting to know her. she's really a genuine person. really an amazing woman.

tonight we had a cookout with a ton of people... much more than i was expecting! we met several new couples/people. it is such a special skill to succeed at grilling on such a grill as we have on campus... charcoal is touchy anyway, but throw in a bit of wind, and the sprinkler system turning on and grilling is darn near impossible! good job guys!

i continue to see God at work heavily confirming that the direction i am headed is what he wants. i feel like he keeps making it so obvious. i feel so strong... it's the only way i can word it. because it's where he wants me, i have passion to do it and passion in my life in general, even to exercise, and energy for my relationships.

when i think about all this i pray and hope that especially certain people close to my heart will find this passion and clarity in their lives in regards to their calling.

...i still need to get in a groove with my completely new schedule though!

okay, see ya, bye

my new baby niece!!

2008-05-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

APRIL 9th, 2008

Blythe Watson VanSumeren was born!

she's so beautiful!

we'll be in michigan next week for a short visit and get to see her for the first time =)

this is my last scheduled week at work. i start school full time in 2 weeks, 15 credits. i'm going for my BFA (bachelor of fine arts) with a painting concentration. eventually i will go on and get my teaching certificate so i can be a high school art teacher. i'll have my degree by spring 2010 if things go as planned, and my teaching certificate after we have kids and steve is done with his ph.d.

we're going to be playing on a co-ed soccer league this summer with some friends.

we also have one of several garden plots on campus that we are growing different things in, swiss chard, basil, cherry tomatoes, onions, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, red peppers, broccoli, and zucchini! we'll see what makes it. it snowed all day just 10 minutes away from campus, but not here... weird.

i'm running the 'boulder boulder' with some friends may 26th i think. it's in boulder=) people dress up goofy for it, so i'm gonna run in my flapper costume and spandex. it's a 10k (about 6 miles). i hear it's a tough run. i've never run that far at one time before.

my dance recital is June 14th. i'm in an adult tap class.

well, i think that updates things.

this fall i plan on seeing if i can help out at the art club at a nearby high school. i'll write more about it then.

hope everyone is doing well, sorry the posts have been so scarce, or maybe you've been busy too.

Mountain Biking Extravaganza

2008-04-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i (steve) went mountain biking with a friend, steve s, and we got a great workout and really enjoyed the trail, especially since we conquered for the first time a tricky rock section. we came through that unscathed, so we were pumped and ready to soak up the home stretch which is all downhill with some fun jumps. we got going pretty fast and i heard steve give a shout of excitement and i assumed that he was happy about getting some nice air. but apparently he was close enough to me (i was out front) that i blocked his view of a second jump that came up quickly. so after hearing his shout of excitement i heard a shout of...something not good and i looked over my shoulder to see perhaps the most intense fall i've ever seen in person. i saw a cloud of dirt and a human body and a bike flying all over the place at, shall we say, an unsafe speed. the bike ended up about 20-30 feet away from steve, his sunglasses somewhere behind him on the trail. he broke his water bottle and his helmet, but he lived to tell the tale and walked away just fine, except for some lower back soreness where his seat hit him! only two things can be said of such a fall: 1) thank God everything was okay and 2) bragging rights.

steve

For ladies, and Ben, in my tap class

2008-04-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

this video is for me to remember and practice all the steps to our upcoming recital piece in June (I'll be gone for possibly 3 weeks of class closer to the recital), but i thought maybe i should put it here for you all (people in my tap class) to use. if nothing else, it's entertaining? =)

the first part is of the run through with the music, the second part is the breakdown, it's a bit slower.

kids at work

2008-04-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

just a quick post. the mother of one of the families i work for sent me these pictures. these are two of the kids i take care of... so sweet.

this is the whole family

i am going to be returning to school starting the end of may as a full time student!!! i will soon be leaving the families i work for now and working my tail off to try and finish my BA before we leave for scotland in 2010! i'll be in school year round. i never thought of school as a possibility for me because of the cost. steve is very supportive and were tightening our budget to make it work. i am getting some help from the state of colorado. they have a stipend program set up for in-state residents. i am applying for scholarships too. so here i go!

to procreate or not to procreate (next year)...

2008-04-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

when steve and i were first married we decided to start having children after 4 yrs. of marriage. I always dreamed of finding my prince charming and having children. now that we're getting closer to our 3 yr. mark i find myself almost fearful of bearing our own little people. we are just getting started with doing fun things together and exploring, traveling, oh, and still figuring out marriage! i have just decided to help out with young life www.younglife.org and we've also been talking about me going back to school full time... just waiting on a couple confirmations =) we are deciding this week. i want to major in fine arts/art education. my art teachers had a big impact on me (it's was easy to converse as we worked on projects) and i want to be able to do the same with high school students. i had worked with high school students (girls) in our church back home and am looking into opportunities to invest in/mentor/hangout with, high school girls in our area. it would be neat to have teaching art as an outlet for that also. i have felt hesitant for while about pursuing art, thinking i couldn't really use it to reach out to people, like going overseas to a remote country in africa. just recently i've had my eyes opened to the fact that there are so many young people (young women especially) seeking truth, guidance, love, constancy, and that is a people group i have a heart for.

hmm... just when i thought we had a plan...

i think we'll wait a few more years to start having kids.

Car trouble

2008-03-29T13:14:00.000-07:00

steve and i both have a vehicle. he was blessed with a car that hasn't given us any problems thus far. i however brought to our marriage... a work in progress. when do you call it quits and get a different vehicle? i feel like so much work has been put into this jeep. we had more work done on it before our trip last weekend to make sure we could make it to our destination with no problems. before these repairs the headlights were all askew. if you were driving at night and there was a tree on the side of the road, one headlight would shine upward toward the top of the tree... which is great for... birdwatching? i don't even know where the other light would shine. but that is fixed now among other things. two more main things to fix and we're good.

it's nice how it worked out though. we ended up receiving a sum of money through an insurance company due to damage from flooding to something in storage that wasn't sentimental or anything important to us, and we were able to use the money to almost completely cover the cost of work on the jeep. God worked it out for good...

ah life...

Spring Break 08

2008-03-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

denver seminary's mwok's (married w/out kids) went to Utah, et.c. for spring break... it was a blast! i ended up wearing all my layers everyday... leaving no clean clothes. we did some awesome mountain biking at slickrock in Moab. it's famous for it's great mountain biking. i'll hopefully put our pics in a slideshow on here soon. there two links you can click on the left for now. this is me showing everyone how to do the "cupid shuffle".

among other things like awesome views, sweating hard, my life flashing before my eyes... we (the women) had some really wonderful conversations about life and marriage. i felt stretched... but mostly blessed by the trip. that's the longest i've gone without a shower for a long, long time! we're really looking forward to spending time with new friends and hopefully seeing more national parks this summer!

Laird Duby

2008-03-08T13:38:00.000-08:00

well, jodi bought me a rather creative birthday present. since we've talked seriously about me doing my doctorate in scotland, she got me a sort of memento for that dream. one of the castles in scotland, dunans castle, allows people to buy a small chunk of the castle, making a buyer either a laird (lord) or lady of dunans castle. jodi got me a one foot by one foot portion of the castle (and they planted a tree in my name), so she made me a laird of dunans castle! assuming things work out and we do move there for a season of life, we'll get to spend time there; it looks beautiful. the whole operation included a sign for our door ("here lives laird duby of dunans castle"), a mug with the title written on it, and an official document that details everything!

steve, guest blogger

Duby Duby Duby for me Duby Hubby is now 23!

2008-03-02T21:03:00.000-08:00

sunday, march 2, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO STEVE!!

church. katie kostal kame =) with us to church again today... she's come the last 3 sundays since she is in town with americorps. she leaves for texas tomorrow morning. it's been really fun having her only 12 minutes down the road.

this evening we had a progressive dinner (4 courses, each course at a different apartment- on campus) with the people (and spouses) from steve's spiritual formation group. we had all kinds of good food and fellowship. we played a game and got to hear an embarrassing moment from each person. we were assigned desert so i was able to surprise steve with a cake and everyone sang happy birthday to him. charlie had his first show tonight (charlie is our aquatic african dwarf frog).

i also served another desert that a few people asked for the recipe... for.

so here's the recipe:

FROZEN MOCHA CHEESECAKE LOAF

2 cups finely crushed oreos (or similar cookie)

3 T. butter melted

1 8oz. package cream cheese, softened

1 14oz sweetened condensed milk (NOT evap. Milk)

1 T. vanilla ext.

2 cups whipping cream, whipped

2 T. instant coffee disolved in 1 T. hot water

1/2 c. choc. flavored syrup

line 9x5 inch loaf pan with aluminum foil, extending foil above sides of pan.

combine crumbs and butter: press firmly on bottom and 1/2 way up sides of prepared pan.

in large mixing bowl beat cheese until fluffy.

gradually beat in sweetened condensed milk until smooth; add vanilla.

fold in whipped cream.

remove 1/2 mixture, place in medium bowl; fold in coffee liquid and choc. syrup.

spoon 1/2 choc. mixture into prepared pan then 1/2 the vanilla mixture.

repeat.

with table knife cut through cream mixture to marble.

cover; freeze six hours or until firm.

to serve: remove from pan, remove foil, garnish as desired, slice to serve, freeze leftovers.

NOTE: i sprinkle with extra oreo crumbs and add 10 oreos placed in the middle where the 10 slices of the loaf would be before freezing... i think it works better personally.

i hope you all had a very wonderful steve's birthday.

it was also 3 years ago today that my dear hubby proposed. i had spent weeks working on a music video for him and when it came time to surprise him on his birthday and play it on the big screen at church... he seemed SO uninterested... distracted. well... long story short, he proposed that night, on his birthday. i'm including the main part of the video i had made for him with 2 of my then high school students-now college age peers, Erin and Beth. i hope you enjoy!

my family is also thinking a lot about my grandpa. he had a stroke yesterday. it's caused some damage that has changed the way that he will live and eat. please pray for him and my grandma, and their kids. i really love my grandma and grandpa a lot, so this is a bit difficult for me too, even though i'm thankful he's still with us.

this year for valentine's day...

2008-02-16T07:47:00.000-08:00

... i worked all day. we ate dinner at home together, then steve had class, so i did 4 loads of laundry in 1 1/2 hours... apparently everyone else had better things to do than use the laundry room on v day.

... but, we did get a fish tank together (last friday-you're supposed to let the water/filter/plants sit for a few days before you start adding fish- so we bought it early, so we could have the fish by valentine's day). Now we have molly-goldfish, her late husband arthur didn't make it... she was quite aggressive toward him during feeding times... =( charlie-our aquatic african dwarf frog- is quite cute, then there's bob the plecostomus (sucker fish... he cleans), and last but not least moose and squirrel our snails... we haven't seen them in a few days... not sure what they're up to. there is a coliseum in there that i think they've been hiding inside of... i'll post a pic sometime. it's so soothing to watch the fish and plants swim/sway and to listen to the water pour out of the filter.

... and we dressed up and went out to dinner last night to celebrate and spent the rest of the evening at home... it was so nice. i love steve so deeply. it's funny that we've got this holiday set aside to show you loved one you love them... it's nice to have an extra reason to celebrate him though and have time set aside for just us.

happy valentine's day

new family member!!!

2008-01-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

we are pleased to announce the newest addition to our little family. squirrel the snail came home with me today from work. the family i worked for today had bought a fish tank, fish, and live plants for the fish a few weeks ago... and this week they discovered 16 snails (that they can see so far) moving around... very small at this point. they told me i could have as many as i wanted... they figure the snails were on the plants they bought, but hadn't hatched, or whatever, yet. how funny! i used to have a snail that was quite large (about 3" diameter) named steve, so i'm glad to have a snail again.

hope everyone is doing well!!!

toodaloo!

downtown denver

2008-01-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

yesterday we (drew, natalie, steve, and myself) biked downtown. it's 18.5 miles there... yeah, so 37 total... it took us 2 hrs. It was so beautiful outside. 63 degrees with a breeze. the snow was melting, therefore making all sorts of puddles and mini streams across the pavement, that when you ride over with a bike, creates a sort of 'stripe' on your 'fanny'. the ride downtown was extremely pleasant, a new trip for all four of us. it was a moderate pace, enough that we could still converse. we went to jamba juice for a smoothie, rei for a bathroom (and gloves). then we realized we had to ride all the way back. it was somewhat colder at this point and we all had shorts on. we pushed ourselves to go fast, as the sun was setting and we knew we had about an hour's ride. we rode into the wind, realizing that the ride to downtown must have been mostly downhill, because we were now riding into the wind... mostly uphill. it was dark, cold, and those puddles that would so amusingly splash up on us before, were sending chills through us. we finally got back at around 6ish and i felt like i was frozen and almost could not carry my bike up the 3 flights of stairs to our apartment.

needless to say it felt nice to get all those mud spots off our faces, legs, and wherever else they may have landed... to be clean and warm again.

it was a great journey.

i have been really struggling lately. stressed... seems pretty common. i've been having a hard time with work. i had the opportunity to workfor a new family, but chose to stick with the 2 families i have been working for. things have felt somewhat stressful there lately and it has been this way for the last 3 weeks. the sermon yesterday was about being/feeling oppressed by circumstances/employers/family/friends/past events... we talked about Job and with everything he went through, i saw someone else (him) going through much more than i am in regards to suffering and oppression. james 5:7-11 challenged me to have enduring patience, to be strong, even if circumstances don't change... i need to find a way to be at peace with my situation, be strong, patient, content, and i need to persevere.

when i call on Him, ALL things are possible

snowshoeing: root word- snow

2008-01-26T15:29:00.000-08:00

we went snowshoeing today with our friends steve and laura again (we went with them last weekend too). It's really beautiful in the mountains and i feel somewhat rugged going through the trees in many feet of untouched snow. the rocky mountains are usually beautiful standing alone with the sunshine and life growing and moving all around, but today there was light and snow dancing around the tops of the mountains so they looked misty, magical. God really outdid himself.

snowshoeing is a blast... requires much exercise and now that we've had ourselves some replenishment (from a place called "noodles & company"), it's time for a nap.

hmm... a blog is like a journal pretty much... whether people read or not... isn't the point... it's a personal thing for the public.... hmm...

inspiration/encouragement

2008-01-25T11:39:00.000-08:00

lately, up until this class that i'm taking (art appreciation), i have been going through the week without any particular inspiration in the way i see things or even feeling inspired by anything. i had forgotten how freeing it is to feel something creative and express it. i am really looking forward to what lies ahead and enjoying the present. right now i am looking around with my eyes open again, instead of being only focus on where i need to be, taking in the whole journey. i walk home from my class (25 min. walk) and see things completely different after having spent 3 hours examining other artists work. i am enjoying others artwork, paintings, drawings, photography, and even collage works. i feel like something has been awakened in me again that brings me joy. my mom and dad also just sent some old canvas and art supplies of mine from their house, so i just need to make some time for it. i'm glad to be back in school... even just for one class this semester. thanks beth for encouraging me to do it. you have become such an awesome women. i'm really proud of you.

after getting the mail (usps) yesterday i opened a package i recognized as being from steve's grandma... it was for him. i didn't realize this until i saw a birthday card. before seeing the card i found a small book by max lucado, 'safe in the shepherd's arms' in the packaging. i read the subtitle 'hope and encouragement from psalm 23' and my eyes watered. i've been feeling really dry spiritually and after opening the book and read the beginning of the psalm felt like the book was a godsend...'the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want... He restores my soul'. even though i could have opened my bible to the same place... and even though it was meant for my husband, it still was used to encourage me. so thanks grandma and grandpa minnis! ...i put it back so steve could open it when he got home... oops. He likes it too!

i haven't figured out what this blog is gonna look like yet... so far... just completely random. diana i'm thinking the name of your blog is brilliant! hmm... now i can't find your blog...

What's in a name?

2008-01-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

It's highly possible to come up with a better name than "life with they dubys". How about if you come up with one we like, and we pick it, we'll send you something cool.... okay, go.