i asked steve a few questions that people ask me, to see how he would answer them... my point was that i feel like things have been pretty intense lately as we make some big decisions and deal with lingering anxiety from past losses and our current hopes... and i feel like i come across as a big downer. he described the delivery of harder topics as a sandwich... he starts of on an upbeat, more positive spin, then introduces a little of the hardship (allowing the person to either pursue it further, or move on), then finishes with another positive note. brilliant. i like being honest with people, but i don't want to knock them out with things they really weren't prepared to hear or whatever.
we have decided, because of a few different big things (mainly finances and some emotional stuff that has come from the last year of hardships. needing "home" more than usual. feeling isolated in this area.), that we are going to MI for the summer and then to denver in the fall. steve will continue his phd research part time working on it from denver. there are pro's and con's to this decision, but ultimately, it seems to be where things are leading so far... unless some new information gets introduced, this is what we'll be doing=) i've had a deep longing for "home" for a while. i'm surprised by this. i had thought of myself as more adventurous. i'm blaming some of it on the changes that happened in me since our miscarriages and maybe leaving denver too... a place both of us felt really at home.
i am in my 12th week of pregnancy now. it's till hush hush...
we have an ultrasound tomorrow. i'm not really worried, just really anxious... if i were worried i feel like i could get to the bottom of why i am... but this anxious feeling... i'm not sure where it's coming from or what to do with it except pray and distract myself. i am pretty moody as a result, so we just watched lord of the rings to save steve the grief of having to deal with this. things have been good, i feel growth inside my tummy. a friend described it as feeling "fuller" or like there's a water balloon in there... i can feel something when i stretch or twist. i haven't had any bleeding for 3 weeks now, since before our last ultrasound... also good. why am i anxious? people still loose their babies after 12 weeks... maybe that's why. i was told after my first miscarriage that it was my body just getting ready for pregnancy and i would most likely go on to have a healthy baby. it took 6 months to get pregnant again, and then i miscarried at 11 weeks. no one can promise it will be okay. all i can do is distract myself... i feel like that's pretty depressing.
i've started moving around a bit more. i have a little more energy. i'm starting to have an appetite. i'm down 8 lbs since we got pregnant... just no appetite and sickness. now i usually want something specific and nothing else... the joy i'm finding in food is pretty humorous to me. i made a big batch of panera's broccoli cheese soup and have been LOVIN' it... so satisfying... it makes me so happy.
so that's where we are right now. i've been wanting to take a belly picture and write to the baby in this little journal i bought for our first pregnancy, and wrote in for that one and the second one. i feel like i need to wait until tomorrow's scan before i let myself get attached to this baby. this is so hard. i am attached. i'm just trying not to fall apart over something i can't do anything about. i felt like god was giving me strength for a while, but now i feel like i've lost some focus or desire to pursue his strength and peace... like i've just gone a bit numb toward everyone till this passes... including him.
things will be different after tomorrow... or will they?
i know this is a season. i wish i was better at focusing on positives a little more, so the people around me sense joy in my life still. i feel like life is going to get better really soon. starting with naomi's visit in may and our little road trip, then moving back to the states, then denver... and hopefully baby in early october. god willing.
