rollercoasters

the last year has taken me all over the place... well physically and emotionally both i suppose=)  we were in  sunny denver in an apartment we loved, in an area we love, and near people we love.  we found out we were pregnant but that same week i started miscarrying.  steve graduated, we moved to MI for a couple months to stay with family for free (thanks mom and dad!!!), then moved over to scotland in the fall for steve's phd work.  we found out a few weeks after being there that we were again pregnant!  then several weeks later i miscarried again.  we were able to fly to MI for a couple months which really helped... and steve was able to work on his research there too.  we were getting ready to head back to scotland the end of january and found out we're pregnant again!  strange... i'm not excited this time.  more like paralyzed.   

   now here we are... about a week after being back in scotland.  i tried to establish some habits while in MI to help me once i was here in the cold, depressing, damp isolation.  it seems so hard to even stay out of bed.  i'm trying to drink a lot of water, so if for no other reason, at least i'm getting up every hour to use the toilet=)  i am fighting myself so hard right now.  when we thought about moving to scotland and steve doing his phd here (a 3yr program... about), we thought of traveling, starting a family, and for me, well i had a beautiful list of things to do that included exploring the area, mingling with scots, finding a an artsy scottish friend to do cultural things with... travel to events in the bigger cities with, paint with... and for myself... i wanted to be super productive and paint all the time, set up my own little studio area in our house and go to town.  i had the idea of spending countless hours in conversation with god like i used to do when i was single.  this was going to be a time of spiritual revival in my life.  here in this house in the countryside... my retreat.  i suppose it is typical that i would try to "plan" my spiritual revival... that it might happen on my time and not god's.  so here i am, lying in bed.  i've had my organic raw apple cider vinegar (the easiest of my MI habits), used the toilet, and grabbed my computer on the way back to bed... trying to motivate myself to put my work out clothes on=)   i have an appointment in a week at the hospital for a scan.  until then i'm trying hard not to think about it... but there are reminders throughout the day as i have different symptoms.  

    there are songs that tend to flow in and out of my life at different seasons.  among others right now, alanis morissette's not as we... it goes

reborn and shivering
spat out on new terrain
unsure, unconvincing
this faint and shaky hour

day one, day one
start over again
step one, step one
i'm barely making sense
for now I'm faking it
til I'm pseudo-making it
from scratch, begin again
but this time i as i
and not as we

gun-shy and quivering
timid without a hand
feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

i have a slue of songs that encourage me and lift me up as well, but this is me raw.  

we're not announcing this pregnancy and further more, i'm trying to distract myself and not think about it, so please save announcing it to anyone else, or posting something on facebook till we do... if this pregnancy sticks, we'll announce it in april.  it's hard to try to keep up with friends and family when i feel like i feel.  i suppose i'm a bit depressed, and that's okay, but i'm much more anti social than usual when i'm feeling a bit down... ahh!!

   off to attempt some exercise and revival!!! hurrah!!! =)