ordinary miracle.

so after our scare last weekend, we are still in this.  it's been another week full of all the hardships of a first trimester and i couldn't be more happy about it... reassures me that everything's on track.  it's given me a sense of humor at times when i'm super weak.  i don't know what to say about god... i was cursing at him when last friday when i was bleeding (sorry if tmi), then the next day apologizing for my conditional faith. he's been working on my faith.  i feel so peaceful being on the happier side of a scary time.  we find out thursday if the baby is healthy... has a heartbeat and is growing on track.  milestones we've never made it to.  i'm surprised how calm i feel... could be partly because i'm a little distracted by how sick and tired i feel all day=)  i feel like, if god can grant me peace in such a time as this, after two previous losses, then i believe he'll be there to hold me up when i'm overwhelmed the joy that will come when i finally get to hold our healthy baby.  i've thought till now that maybe i'm not meant to have this love because the joy of it would overcome me.  bring it=)
oh ye of little faith, why did you doubt?
there is still a twinge of fear and doubt in the back of my mind... waiting for thursday, but i'm so thankful to be here in today.

broken record...

i feel like we don't even get time to celebrate good news before bad news comes along to wipe out the memory of the good news.  i had an ultrasound done wednesday and it looked good although i have a ovarian cyst which i was told is pretty normal, they'll just keep an eye on it.  i was put at about 6 weeks because of my cycle schedule instead of 7 weeks that it would've been by generic dating calculations... 

anyway... i just got done sending a super long email to a friend about our previous miscarriages and how we've found healing and told her we are pregnant again and hopeful this time, and then i went to the bathroom and found i had started to bleed some.  i called my midwife and she told me to monitor it over the weekend and if it gets heavy, to call monday.  i feel like throwing up.  am i brave enough to try again if this fails?  ...waiting again.

it's the weekend=)

the weekend looks just about exactly the same as my week these days except that steve isn't studying so we get to play=)  i went to a baby shower where all but me and one other woman were the only one's without kids and one other woman was single.  among the 14 women there 4 (well 5) are pregnant.  good grief!  i feel like it's a breeding ground or some sort of human farming thing.
 
for the last 3 days i have been sick.  yesterday brushing  my teeth set me over the edge.  everything smells worse than usual and nothing sounds good to eat.  apples seem to be alright.  i've never been happier to throw up in my life.  i pushed myself out the door today so steve and i could go for a beautiful walk at sunset.  i wasn't this sick this early with the last two pregnancies, so i can't help but be a little hopeful that maybe things are going how they're supposed to this time.  my mom said she was awful sick with her first especially.  i feel terrible but i'm pretty content=)  ultrasound wednesday.  till then i'll keep working on my scottish accent.  i realized with all the americans around, i'll have to talk to our kids with an accent in order for them to pick it up... that and play "monarch of the glen" all day long so they're exposed to the dialogue=)

rollercoasters

the last year has taken me all over the place... well physically and emotionally both i suppose=)  we were in  sunny denver in an apartment we loved, in an area we love, and near people we love.  we found out we were pregnant but that same week i started miscarrying.  steve graduated, we moved to MI for a couple months to stay with family for free (thanks mom and dad!!!), then moved over to scotland in the fall for steve's phd work.  we found out a few weeks after being there that we were again pregnant!  then several weeks later i miscarried again.  we were able to fly to MI for a couple months which really helped... and steve was able to work on his research there too.  we were getting ready to head back to scotland the end of january and found out we're pregnant again!  strange... i'm not excited this time.  more like paralyzed.   

   now here we are... about a week after being back in scotland.  i tried to establish some habits while in MI to help me once i was here in the cold, depressing, damp isolation.  it seems so hard to even stay out of bed.  i'm trying to drink a lot of water, so if for no other reason, at least i'm getting up every hour to use the toilet=)  i am fighting myself so hard right now.  when we thought about moving to scotland and steve doing his phd here (a 3yr program... about), we thought of traveling, starting a family, and for me, well i had a beautiful list of things to do that included exploring the area, mingling with scots, finding a an artsy scottish friend to do cultural things with... travel to events in the bigger cities with, paint with... and for myself... i wanted to be super productive and paint all the time, set up my own little studio area in our house and go to town.  i had the idea of spending countless hours in conversation with god like i used to do when i was single.  this was going to be a time of spiritual revival in my life.  here in this house in the countryside... my retreat.  i suppose it is typical that i would try to "plan" my spiritual revival... that it might happen on my time and not god's.  so here i am, lying in bed.  i've had my organic raw apple cider vinegar (the easiest of my MI habits), used the toilet, and grabbed my computer on the way back to bed... trying to motivate myself to put my work out clothes on=)   i have an appointment in a week at the hospital for a scan.  until then i'm trying hard not to think about it... but there are reminders throughout the day as i have different symptoms.  

    there are songs that tend to flow in and out of my life at different seasons.  among others right now, alanis morissette's not as we... it goes

reborn and shivering
spat out on new terrain
unsure, unconvincing
this faint and shaky hour

day one, day one
start over again
step one, step one
i'm barely making sense
for now I'm faking it
til I'm pseudo-making it
from scratch, begin again
but this time i as i
and not as we

gun-shy and quivering
timid without a hand
feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

i have a slue of songs that encourage me and lift me up as well, but this is me raw.  

we're not announcing this pregnancy and further more, i'm trying to distract myself and not think about it, so please save announcing it to anyone else, or posting something on facebook till we do... if this pregnancy sticks, we'll announce it in april.  it's hard to try to keep up with friends and family when i feel like i feel.  i suppose i'm a bit depressed, and that's okay, but i'm much more anti social than usual when i'm feeling a bit down... ahh!!

   off to attempt some exercise and revival!!! hurrah!!! =)