20 week ultrasound!

weeks 19 and 20!!!! half way there!!!!!!!!!!

we have finally made it to 20 weeks.  crazy.  so thankful, SOOOOOO thankful to have made it this far.  god has been wonderful in reassuring me and sticking with me when i was feeling fearful about how this pregnancy would go.  steve has been wonderful too... sort of christ with skin on during this time, a godsend.
we find out in 3 days what the gender is... crazy!
okay, well here is a picture at 19 weeks...

                                            and...  here's a few at 20 weeks (today!)!!

okie dokie=)
...and in other news... naomi and i are back from london and paris with many pictures and stories... so i'll post some of those soon=) some can be found on our travel blog, http://googlyeyesonfrenchfries.blogspot.com/ .  naomi has been very diligent about updating it via her iphone despite our exhausting days and blogger being down for however many days.

18 weeks today... pregnancy update

baby is movin' quite a lot now.  i thought i felt things a couple weeks ago but wasn't sure... 

now i've almost got it figured out how to get baby to move!  i sit still and talk or sing to him/her... 

or especially if steve talks=)

this second picture i think really helps... cause gravity moves away all my "extra stuff",

and all that's left to see is the baby bump =) 

i'm not just fat i swear... maybe a little chubby AND pregnant?

here i am at 17 weeks... gettin' there =)

to rosie, with love...

now my life is rosie, since i found my rosie=)

5 weeks and six days...

till we fly back to the states!

steve finished and submitted a huge writing project he was working on! yay!!  we were going to go to the Isle of Skye for a few days this week, but have decided to wait a few weeks on that.  SO... we are cleaning out the house this week, packing, and putting things up for sale that we won't be taking back to the states... such as our car=) sadly we won't be adding this license plate to our collection... they stay with the cars in the UK, as opposed to with the owners as it is in the US.

   i'm also working on getting the guest bedroom ready for naomi.  right now it's being used for stuff getting packed.  

all this cleaning means stirring up bugs and spiders, so i'll be on the hunt for them in the next week.  we've discovered a new bug.  it's large, black, and really hard to squish.  i'm really hoping it's not cockroaches.  gross gross gross.  this is a really old house and we've found it full of "wildlife".  i think i'd rather deal with spiders than these creepy black beetles... or whatever they are... 

4 weeks today till we find out the gender!  it's been a weird time, having to wait 8 weeks from one ultrasound at 12 weeks, to the next 8 weeks later at 20 weeks.  so weird to think about the idea of there being another human in our lives... for the rest of our lives... a boy or a girl... crazy!  

i'm so thankful to have made it this far in this pregnancy.  i found that the miscarriages sort of isolated me from people (by my own doing and/or other people's not knowing how to interact with me)... but i found comfort in the friends/family/family friends that shared stories and their own pain from losses... but now i feel somewhat guilty, or just sad, that some of their stories haven't reached happy endings (we haven't yet, but i feel more hopeful that we're on our way)... maybe i'm isolating myself from them, but know how i felt and i don't want to be put in the category with all the "normal" "casual" families... i'm still scared and i think i always will be.  i've been forced to face the fact that this child i'm bearing could be ripped from my life at any point... and really, it was never mine... i just get to be the guardian for a while.  sobering.  i still need my friends who know pain... i feel closer to them than i do families who haven't faced loss.  maybe that will balance out... i hope so.  i've been in this funk for the last year and am so longing for some light.  god has always brought good out of my pain.  i know he will again... i'm just waiting to be on the other side so i can see it all clearly and come to life again=)  

the dog days are over?

the weather forecast said "mostly sunny" which appears to mean partly sunny... that's okay, i'll take it!!!
the days are longer now and we are getting more sun, even if it's just for a few hours.  it seems like the sun and i are linked entirely.  if it comes out, so do i =)

i think the first trimester tiredness and sickness is gone? i hope i hope.  i was so thankful for it... it let me know i was indeed pregnant and with a healthy pregnancy (so far.  thank you god!).  now, at 14 weeks, my energy is starting to return and i can be on my feet without getting dizzy most of the time.  i've gained 2lbs back of the 8 i lost while being sick the first trimester.  apart from my lower abdomen feeling "full" (there is definitely something growing in there), i don't really feel pregnant... so i want to enjoy this time.
       i spent a good deal of yesterday morning reading a blog i stumbled upon about a young family.  they had one daughter and the woman was pregnant again, but lost the baby at 12 weeks.  it took a while for them to get pregnant again.  she shared openly about the struggles and fears of being pregnant again after their loss... all the way up until she gave birth... it was really encouraging and helped me get out of another little funk i got into in the last couple days (my mom had lost a baby at 7 months... her water had broken early.  she was given a cerclage for her pregnancy with my younger brother and me.  it's not hereditary, but it's made me think i still can't let my heart soak this baby up... i can't even think about what i would do if we lost this baby.  so i'm not...)

 i have a lot of catching up to do with cleaning this place.  a little at a time.  it took me forever to sweep the whole house yesterday.  the broom is half the size of a normal broom and this house is SO long and there is so much dust... like someone keeps emptying the dryer lint all over the floor.  i've never experienced that before living here.  i did it though.  next i'd like to vaccuum... with our shop vac... also a back breaking activity, but well worth it!

we're working on tying up all we need to here in scotland before flying to MI.  less than 60 day!  we sorely underestimated how expensive life here would be.  god is getting us through, but we will be looking for work this summer to pay off some of the ridiculous amount of debt we've managed to accrue.  having some income to start fighting it off will be a huge relief.

we've had some really hard stuff to deal with and figure out in the last year.  we've both had really hard seasons, struggling with different things, but i'm so thankful that we have each other.  steve is a godsend.  i love having really hard talks or really deep talks, and still being able to laugh in the midst of it too... i love our sense of humor and just in general how we "get" each other.

naomi is coming in a few weeks, for two weeks.  i think we'll mostly be sticking around our house for the first week while we fine tune our plans and gather some food.  then we're off to london and then paris for the second week!  i've never been to paris and am really looking forward to going with her.  i think i'd like to do more girl get aways in the future.  we'll be laughing a lot!  i'm looking forward to that too=)

so now that i'm feeling better, the sun is making more appearances and staying out later, naomi is coming to go exploring with me, we're going to be with friends and family in MI soon, and we'll be in denver this fall... i feel like maybe possibly the dog days are over=)

baby!!!

okay, so we're telling people now, but still no facebook.  i think i just want this part of our life to be a little more private... not much, but just a little?

the tech spent about 15 minutes doing the ultrasound.  i guess they're learning how to do a new test, so it took her a while to get the right angle and for the baby to be positioned right for it, so we got to watch him for a while!  baby has a nose and a stomach, a nice round tummy, fingers, feet.  he waved at us and sucked his thumb=) wiggled around a bit... it was really amazing.  god has been good to us.  this is overwhelming!  the large cyst that was there 3 weeks ago is all gone too=)

sandwiches and stuff

i asked steve a few questions that people ask me, to see how he would answer them... my point was that i feel like things have been pretty intense lately as we make some big decisions and deal with lingering anxiety from past losses and our current hopes... and i feel like i come across as a big downer.  he described  the delivery of harder topics as a sandwich... he starts of on an upbeat, more positive spin, then introduces a little of the hardship (allowing the person to either pursue it further, or move on), then finishes with another positive note.  brilliant.  i like being honest with people, but i don't want to knock them out with things they really weren't prepared to hear or whatever.

we have decided, because of a few different big things (mainly finances and some emotional stuff that has come from the last year of hardships.  needing "home" more than usual.  feeling isolated in this area.), that we are going to MI for the summer and then to denver in the fall.  steve will continue his phd research part time working on it from denver.  there are pro's and con's to this decision, but ultimately, it seems to be where things are leading so far... unless some new information gets introduced, this is what we'll be doing=)  i've had a deep longing for "home" for a while.  i'm surprised by this.  i had thought of myself as more adventurous.  i'm blaming some of it on the changes that happened in me since our miscarriages and maybe leaving denver too... a place both of us felt really at home.

i am in my 12th week of pregnancy now.  it's till hush hush...
we have an ultrasound tomorrow.  i'm not really worried, just really anxious... if i were worried i feel like i could get to the bottom of why i am... but this anxious feeling... i'm not sure where it's coming from or what to do with it except pray and distract myself.  i am pretty moody as a result, so we just watched lord of the rings to save steve the grief of having to deal with this.  things have been good, i feel growth inside my tummy.  a friend described it as feeling "fuller" or like there's a water balloon in there... i can feel something when i stretch or twist.  i haven't had any bleeding for 3 weeks now, since before our last ultrasound... also good.  why am i anxious?  people still loose their babies after 12 weeks... maybe that's why.  i was told after my first miscarriage that it was my body just getting ready for pregnancy and i would most likely go on to have a healthy baby.  it took 6 months to get pregnant again, and then i miscarried at 11 weeks.  no one can promise it will be okay.  all i can do is distract myself... i feel like that's pretty depressing.

i've started moving around a bit more.  i have a little more energy.  i'm starting to have an appetite.  i'm down 8 lbs since we got pregnant... just no appetite and sickness.  now i usually want something specific and nothing else... the joy i'm finding in food is pretty humorous to me.  i made a big batch of panera's broccoli cheese soup and have been LOVIN' it... so satisfying... it makes me so happy.

so that's where we are right now.  i've been wanting to take a belly picture and write to the baby in this little journal i bought for our first pregnancy, and wrote in for that one and the second one.  i feel like i need to wait until tomorrow's scan before i let myself get attached to this baby.  this is so hard.  i am attached.  i'm just trying not to fall apart over something i can't do anything about.  i felt like god was giving me strength for a while, but now i feel like i've lost some focus or desire to pursue his strength and peace... like i've just gone a bit numb toward everyone till this passes... including him.

things will be different after tomorrow... or will they?
i know this is a season.  i wish i was better at focusing on positives a little more, so the people around me sense joy in my life still.  i feel like life is going to get better really soon.  starting with naomi's visit in may and our little road trip, then moving back to the states, then denver... and hopefully baby in early october.  god willing.

9 weeks!

the appointment this morning went really well.  we saw the heartbeating!  the baby was wiggling around and jumped=)  our little mustard seed! my mom calls it bobo=) i think that's what we'll call it.

the midwife put us back ahead to 9 weeks.  she thought we were earlier last appointment, so we're so thankful to have a strong growing baby!  we have another appointment march 21st.  still a few more weeks till we hit the 12 weeks mark.  i feel like god is walking with me.  i feel really calm.  maybe a bit in shock too, still trying to process the good news=)

the picture's not that great.  it looked great on the screen, but printed terrible.  the head is on the right side and it's little leg buds are on the left=)

steve turned 26 this week too!  i made him a special cake and we were able to celebrate with friends=)  i found a way to get our favorite drink from denver (snow bubble/ bubble tea/ bobas) shipped over here, so we're going to make those tonight!  also we got toy story 3, skittles, and some mac and cheese in a package on his bday from his momma and that made my day=)  the mac and cheese here leaves a lot to be desired.

we're going hiking to a secret beach with a couple friends and making a fire and s'mores 'n stuff tomorrow... hopefully we'll have great weather and get to watch the sunset over the sea.
 this has been a great week.  thank you god.

ordinary miracle.

so after our scare last weekend, we are still in this.  it's been another week full of all the hardships of a first trimester and i couldn't be more happy about it... reassures me that everything's on track.  it's given me a sense of humor at times when i'm super weak.  i don't know what to say about god... i was cursing at him when last friday when i was bleeding (sorry if tmi), then the next day apologizing for my conditional faith. he's been working on my faith.  i feel so peaceful being on the happier side of a scary time.  we find out thursday if the baby is healthy... has a heartbeat and is growing on track.  milestones we've never made it to.  i'm surprised how calm i feel... could be partly because i'm a little distracted by how sick and tired i feel all day=)  i feel like, if god can grant me peace in such a time as this, after two previous losses, then i believe he'll be there to hold me up when i'm overwhelmed the joy that will come when i finally get to hold our healthy baby.  i've thought till now that maybe i'm not meant to have this love because the joy of it would overcome me.  bring it=)
oh ye of little faith, why did you doubt?
there is still a twinge of fear and doubt in the back of my mind... waiting for thursday, but i'm so thankful to be here in today.

broken record...

i feel like we don't even get time to celebrate good news before bad news comes along to wipe out the memory of the good news.  i had an ultrasound done wednesday and it looked good although i have a ovarian cyst which i was told is pretty normal, they'll just keep an eye on it.  i was put at about 6 weeks because of my cycle schedule instead of 7 weeks that it would've been by generic dating calculations... 

anyway... i just got done sending a super long email to a friend about our previous miscarriages and how we've found healing and told her we are pregnant again and hopeful this time, and then i went to the bathroom and found i had started to bleed some.  i called my midwife and she told me to monitor it over the weekend and if it gets heavy, to call monday.  i feel like throwing up.  am i brave enough to try again if this fails?  ...waiting again.

it's the weekend=)

the weekend looks just about exactly the same as my week these days except that steve isn't studying so we get to play=)  i went to a baby shower where all but me and one other woman were the only one's without kids and one other woman was single.  among the 14 women there 4 (well 5) are pregnant.  good grief!  i feel like it's a breeding ground or some sort of human farming thing.
 
for the last 3 days i have been sick.  yesterday brushing  my teeth set me over the edge.  everything smells worse than usual and nothing sounds good to eat.  apples seem to be alright.  i've never been happier to throw up in my life.  i pushed myself out the door today so steve and i could go for a beautiful walk at sunset.  i wasn't this sick this early with the last two pregnancies, so i can't help but be a little hopeful that maybe things are going how they're supposed to this time.  my mom said she was awful sick with her first especially.  i feel terrible but i'm pretty content=)  ultrasound wednesday.  till then i'll keep working on my scottish accent.  i realized with all the americans around, i'll have to talk to our kids with an accent in order for them to pick it up... that and play "monarch of the glen" all day long so they're exposed to the dialogue=)

rollercoasters

the last year has taken me all over the place... well physically and emotionally both i suppose=)  we were in  sunny denver in an apartment we loved, in an area we love, and near people we love.  we found out we were pregnant but that same week i started miscarrying.  steve graduated, we moved to MI for a couple months to stay with family for free (thanks mom and dad!!!), then moved over to scotland in the fall for steve's phd work.  we found out a few weeks after being there that we were again pregnant!  then several weeks later i miscarried again.  we were able to fly to MI for a couple months which really helped... and steve was able to work on his research there too.  we were getting ready to head back to scotland the end of january and found out we're pregnant again!  strange... i'm not excited this time.  more like paralyzed.   

   now here we are... about a week after being back in scotland.  i tried to establish some habits while in MI to help me once i was here in the cold, depressing, damp isolation.  it seems so hard to even stay out of bed.  i'm trying to drink a lot of water, so if for no other reason, at least i'm getting up every hour to use the toilet=)  i am fighting myself so hard right now.  when we thought about moving to scotland and steve doing his phd here (a 3yr program... about), we thought of traveling, starting a family, and for me, well i had a beautiful list of things to do that included exploring the area, mingling with scots, finding a an artsy scottish friend to do cultural things with... travel to events in the bigger cities with, paint with... and for myself... i wanted to be super productive and paint all the time, set up my own little studio area in our house and go to town.  i had the idea of spending countless hours in conversation with god like i used to do when i was single.  this was going to be a time of spiritual revival in my life.  here in this house in the countryside... my retreat.  i suppose it is typical that i would try to "plan" my spiritual revival... that it might happen on my time and not god's.  so here i am, lying in bed.  i've had my organic raw apple cider vinegar (the easiest of my MI habits), used the toilet, and grabbed my computer on the way back to bed... trying to motivate myself to put my work out clothes on=)   i have an appointment in a week at the hospital for a scan.  until then i'm trying hard not to think about it... but there are reminders throughout the day as i have different symptoms.  

    there are songs that tend to flow in and out of my life at different seasons.  among others right now, alanis morissette's not as we... it goes

reborn and shivering
spat out on new terrain
unsure, unconvincing
this faint and shaky hour

day one, day one
start over again
step one, step one
i'm barely making sense
for now I'm faking it
til I'm pseudo-making it
from scratch, begin again
but this time i as i
and not as we

gun-shy and quivering
timid without a hand
feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

i have a slue of songs that encourage me and lift me up as well, but this is me raw.  

we're not announcing this pregnancy and further more, i'm trying to distract myself and not think about it, so please save announcing it to anyone else, or posting something on facebook till we do... if this pregnancy sticks, we'll announce it in april.  it's hard to try to keep up with friends and family when i feel like i feel.  i suppose i'm a bit depressed, and that's okay, but i'm much more anti social than usual when i'm feeling a bit down... ahh!!

   off to attempt some exercise and revival!!! hurrah!!! =)

house share?

we are trying to figure out if we'll be able to share a house with another couple.  i know there are pro's and con's, but i think mostly pro's... and i'm super excited about many aspects of it.
    to be continued.

one more week in MI... oh so random

i've been knitting and researching nutrition quite a bit.  i love learning about random things.  i think it's possible to read too much, but i want to be aware of the things i'm putting in my body so, if i do choose to drink an energy drink (which i completely quit over a year ago), i know full well what i'm engaging in.  i did a 3 day juice fast last month... i'll never know if what i experienced during that first day was my reaction to it, or if i had the flu. =) it was interesting.  i didn't feel a bit hungry until the third night but it wasn't too terrible.  i think i could've lasted another few days.  very nutritious.  now i want a juicer!

our whole week is planned out now.  we're packing and cleaning our room today so we'll be able to enjoy the time we have left.  whether i'm ready or not, we are going back to scotland the 31st and will be there through at least may.  we have plans to possible visit friends in madrid, naomi is coming to visit in may, and possibly paris for a language study this summer.  oh, and we might do a house share with another couple and i'm pretty excited about that.  we really like the couple we would live with and our rent would be half what it is... saving us a great deal and making his phd more financially possible.  we weren't sure how we were going to make it work financially.  US money doesn't go as far over there, so we'd be pretty stuck by this summer even with the loan amount we received.  we still have questions about god's plan in this... our HUGE borrowing to fund education for what we and other's believe is steve's calling... knowing he doesn't want us to borrow.  the house share is a big answer to prayer.

i haven't been able to get back into painting yet.  this has been a season of artistic constipation.  i need a stool softener=) i'm working on an afghan.  i suppose at least there's some color there.  i'm looking forward to the warmth of it.

 the tension between my mom and i is growing a bit with my leaving in the near future.  both of us, i think, feel somewhat helpless and not ready for this separation.  her life is so stressful to her and it's hard for me to leave knowing that she's calmer and happy around me... and she calms me too.  it's funny how much i see myself in my mom and dad.  things i appreciate about them, and things that i see as weakness.  like holding a mirror.

So, i will be doing some child care.  we are as of now planning on staying in scotland till steve can fulfill the minimum residency requirement which we think is two years (meaning 1.5yrs left)... i can do 1.5yrs =)  we bought a car back in october... it's mr bean type car.  super super tiny.  it has magical abilities to fit in any parking spot.  i have a winter coat that says it's best for "arctic" weather. perfect! =)  we're going to do some things to make our house warmer and less inhabited by spiders and that should help a lot=)  we've also been praying for healing and a healthy pregnancy/baby.

it's been a while since we've been in denver.  i know people will start to forget about us and we have some people.  it makes me sad, but i know i can't hold on to all of them.  i'm thankful for facebook for that i suppose.

off to cleaning and packing and soaking up pandora.com while i still can!...

a new year

it is.  thank god.  i am excited about this year.  with so much hard stuff behind us now, we're moving forward and i am very hopeful.  i'm encouraged even though nothing has really changed except that little number to 2011.  we are heading back to scotland soon and i'm feeling a little stronger than i did a month ago.  i think we can do this.  i'm going to offer myself for childcare, even though we decided i would take a break from other people's kids and enjoy my life without them before we have our own.  we need some income!.. and really i enjoy kids a lot.  they inspire me and give me life.
   i ordered a winter coat tonight.  silly as it is, i feel more prepared for the pain of the wet cold scotland winter.  this could be our year.  we live in scotland!  i'm ready to see what's ahead, explore, love life... and hopefully grow our little family, god willing.  this year i want to be more intentional with my relationships. that also means being more picky about them... so i'm picking about 5-8 friends to keep up with each month.  this is frequent compared to my usual correspondence.  i want to pursue and nurture relationships that i appreciate instead of letting them drift like i usually do.  we'll see=)
   i'm not painting.  i tried a couple days ago... got all my stuff together, even new brushes, but alas... my heart wasn't in it.  i need to find a way to motivate myself.  i have a possible commissioning in my future and i love deadlines, so that could be the ticket.  i'll figure something out.
    fingers crossed.
        hands open.