we are in MI now. i started miscarrying a few weeks ago and we were able to find reasonable flights to the states. the miscarriage took 18 days to complete. this is our second miscarriage. i can not begin to explain what this does. it effects every aspect of my life and leaves me feeling pretty lonely. i am so thankful for all the stories of friends and family that have gone through similar things or even much harder things... but at the end of the day... there is still a void. now i have two sweet sweet babies in heaven and they are surrounded by some of the most wonderful people i have met that have passed and are in heaven now.
the pain of again being barren when siblings, friends, and family are getting pregnant on accident... unwanted pregnancies especially are hard to witness. this is life. life is hard. i have plenty of good moments, but they are even tainted and it feels strange when i laugh. i am thankful to be with family. i would be in a really dark place without this love and distraction. i am wrestling with god right now. i feel angry at him sometimes, but then when i'm not thinking about it, i find i'm talking to him about how much everything hurts. even in normal conversations with people when i'm not thinking about it, i find my eyes tearing and then i remember what i'm going through... like my body is grieving even when mentally i'm somewhere else. for the first time in my life i'm considering an anti depressant.
scotland...
so beautiful and so much to see and take in! it seemed like a dream as it approached this last summer. strange though, now that we're there, things have not been what we thought. simple things we assumed would be present are missing. there are many blessings about our life there, our landlord and friends, but many frustrations and disappointments that make life there seem pretty stifling... mostly to me.
we are in a pretty small university town. so apart from the university activities there's not much going on for culture. there are a couple galleries around town, but as far as cultural activities go or art groups, they are very rare. we are looking to move to edinburgh possibly. it's a city, a real city=) also steve's program seems to attract a lot of americans and we have been graciously welcomed into a great group of friends. we had assumed we would be meeting and interacting with scots though... even at church americans seem to be taking leadership roles and preaching. is it bad to be so disappointed that they're american?
financially... say an item is 50 US dollars, in scotland that same item would be 50 GBP. 50 GBP equals about 75 US dollars... so our money doesn't got as far. the cost of everything over there is a great deal more. we've started playing with the idea of living in denver and steve doing his PhD via distance, or going over there a couple times each year for however long. it's so much cheaper to live in the US! i could continue my education and pursue painting and shows. the idea of being back in denver is something that i want so badly especially with dealing with depression from the miscarriage and other family and friend's hardships. i feel terrible being so far from the people i love. i need them and they need me too. i always thought i was great at adjusting to moves... but i think the miscarriage sort of rocked me down deep and i'm more sober and aware of my relationships and having a 'home'. our house in scotland doesn't feel like home to us at all. it would be a lovely place to stay for a visit. i suppose i'm tired of starting over. i feel broken and now stripped of life. i feel like i left myself in denver and i'm just an empty shell now. the small town and cold house we live in i feel like is killing me slowly. not physically... but the person i feel like god brought to life while we lived in denver has been shut up. i'm suffocating and feel so claustrophobic it's unbearable. i'm praying steve's supervisor will let him continue his research from denver. that would be a miracle and all i want for christmas.
this is just part of my life right now... but i read something about journaling helping, and as much as i recommend it to people, i thought i should take my own advice. so though this may be a depressing entry. it's real. we're in a hard place. there are so many good times and steve is my best friend and greatest love... but life is still hard sometimes.
i miss naomi and so much of what we have in our friendship and i want to be in denver.
i ache for janelle. i'm broken for so many friends as they struggle with different things. jen and deirdre, family friends and extended family. there are so many broken people right now... it feels terrible to consider going back to scotland where we're isolated and so far away from everyone we love.
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