family

it's been done in movies, comedies, horror, romance, dramas... drama..., even science fiction.  family dynamics that make us smile, cry, laugh, sigh, scream, and swear like sailors.  i'm thrown head in into all of my family's... stuff.  this season for me has been trying.  starting about a year and a half ago and getting harder starting with the spring this year... continuing to escalade with the stresses of moving across the country... and then across the globe.  extended time in michigan (this is to be expected) has broken me in new ways.  family should take care of family... there's a fine line between that and taking advantage.  i feel tired of it... tired of allowances and excuses lending to continued irresponsibility.
   ...and at the heart of me i'm aching and in the fetal position.  it has broken me to find myself unable to share pain with my family.  vulnerability gets used as amunition.   i think i maybe knew this but hoped for better.  these are the people i long to be closest to as i move so often.  so what now?
be still before the lord and wait patiently for him?  trust in him and do good?  dwell in the land and befriend  faithfulness...
      faithfulness...  yes...
yadda yadda yadda but it still hurts?
delight myself in the lord and he'll give me the desires of my heart?  i'm seeing multiple meanings... one really nice, and one really deceitful... who are you god?
i wish i didn't need them.  still though, i sit here... steve... my best friend... there has never been a better lover.