empty

i thought these days were over.  feeling an emptiness i knew only god should fill.  meeting my husband moved me out of this emptiness 5 years ago and let me move forward and discover who i am, the strength in me.  sad it took getting married for me to pursue this.  i am thankful for the journey.
    now i grieve my empty womb.  after frustrations with people in the way their pregnancies changed them and friendships, here i am.  finally after years and years of knowing i wanted this, the time is here, but again i'm reminded that this is out of my control.  i am broken again each month as my body starts over and i hit a wall.  a hard truth that again, i am empty.  this painful shedding is as blunt as it gets.  i'll lay in a ball for 2-3 days in great physical pain.  i feel somewhat thankful for it... my body is grieving too.
    i will keep trying with open hands... as pathetic as i feel for letting this get to me so much.  i wish i had been better educated that it could be like this.  i know i'm not alone, but i feel it right now.  until i move from here or until i meet someone else going through it... i think i am... well, sort of=)
so continues my journey.
      we're moving and i lost my journal... thanks blogspot.