love love love when my family gets together. we have our quirks, but christmas morning is quite lovely. breakfast casseroles and all the yummy stuff on the table with it, stockings and such as well, but just seeing everyone and watching the kids. i think i definitely find more joy in giving homemade gifts, for the kids especially. it is lovely to still be in the states. i'm not minding the snow that's staying on the ground one bit. it's a beautiful winter. my parents backyard is covered in white snow, the pool i painted this summer is nice and colorful, and the neighbors really tall tree is covered in thick ivy and, though it may die from the ivy eventually, it is so beautiful. pretty picture from the couch here.
making a list of people across the world that i want to work more at keeping in touch with... i'm spread too thin. i want some deep relationships, so i need to work harder at being a more consistent friend... possible news year resolution? i suppose=)
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
confusing...
my doctor in scotland told me about a month ago to take a pregnancy test a week after my miscarriage was "complete". so i took it yesterday. the test came back positive still. according to the test i am still pregnant.
strange to want or need it to actually be negative... that's a first for me. sad to see "pregnant" but know it's just the last traces of my pregnancy, our child.
i think my hormones must be still adjusting and i read somewhere that part of the pregnancy could still be in there and won't come out till i get my "cycle". pleasant huh... sorry. this is my life. strange to be processing christmas through all this. i'm curious to see what god will do with all this mess.
strange to want or need it to actually be negative... that's a first for me. sad to see "pregnant" but know it's just the last traces of my pregnancy, our child.
i think my hormones must be still adjusting and i read somewhere that part of the pregnancy could still be in there and won't come out till i get my "cycle". pleasant huh... sorry. this is my life. strange to be processing christmas through all this. i'm curious to see what god will do with all this mess.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
transition.
we are in MI now. i started miscarrying a few weeks ago and we were able to find reasonable flights to the states. the miscarriage took 18 days to complete. this is our second miscarriage. i can not begin to explain what this does. it effects every aspect of my life and leaves me feeling pretty lonely. i am so thankful for all the stories of friends and family that have gone through similar things or even much harder things... but at the end of the day... there is still a void. now i have two sweet sweet babies in heaven and they are surrounded by some of the most wonderful people i have met that have passed and are in heaven now.
the pain of again being barren when siblings, friends, and family are getting pregnant on accident... unwanted pregnancies especially are hard to witness. this is life. life is hard. i have plenty of good moments, but they are even tainted and it feels strange when i laugh. i am thankful to be with family. i would be in a really dark place without this love and distraction. i am wrestling with god right now. i feel angry at him sometimes, but then when i'm not thinking about it, i find i'm talking to him about how much everything hurts. even in normal conversations with people when i'm not thinking about it, i find my eyes tearing and then i remember what i'm going through... like my body is grieving even when mentally i'm somewhere else. for the first time in my life i'm considering an anti depressant.
scotland...
so beautiful and so much to see and take in! it seemed like a dream as it approached this last summer. strange though, now that we're there, things have not been what we thought. simple things we assumed would be present are missing. there are many blessings about our life there, our landlord and friends, but many frustrations and disappointments that make life there seem pretty stifling... mostly to me.
we are in a pretty small university town. so apart from the university activities there's not much going on for culture. there are a couple galleries around town, but as far as cultural activities go or art groups, they are very rare. we are looking to move to edinburgh possibly. it's a city, a real city=) also steve's program seems to attract a lot of americans and we have been graciously welcomed into a great group of friends. we had assumed we would be meeting and interacting with scots though... even at church americans seem to be taking leadership roles and preaching. is it bad to be so disappointed that they're american?
financially... say an item is 50 US dollars, in scotland that same item would be 50 GBP. 50 GBP equals about 75 US dollars... so our money doesn't got as far. the cost of everything over there is a great deal more. we've started playing with the idea of living in denver and steve doing his PhD via distance, or going over there a couple times each year for however long. it's so much cheaper to live in the US! i could continue my education and pursue painting and shows. the idea of being back in denver is something that i want so badly especially with dealing with depression from the miscarriage and other family and friend's hardships. i feel terrible being so far from the people i love. i need them and they need me too. i always thought i was great at adjusting to moves... but i think the miscarriage sort of rocked me down deep and i'm more sober and aware of my relationships and having a 'home'. our house in scotland doesn't feel like home to us at all. it would be a lovely place to stay for a visit. i suppose i'm tired of starting over. i feel broken and now stripped of life. i feel like i left myself in denver and i'm just an empty shell now. the small town and cold house we live in i feel like is killing me slowly. not physically... but the person i feel like god brought to life while we lived in denver has been shut up. i'm suffocating and feel so claustrophobic it's unbearable. i'm praying steve's supervisor will let him continue his research from denver. that would be a miracle and all i want for christmas.
this is just part of my life right now... but i read something about journaling helping, and as much as i recommend it to people, i thought i should take my own advice. so though this may be a depressing entry. it's real. we're in a hard place. there are so many good times and steve is my best friend and greatest love... but life is still hard sometimes.
i miss naomi and so much of what we have in our friendship and i want to be in denver.
i ache for janelle. i'm broken for so many friends as they struggle with different things. jen and deirdre, family friends and extended family. there are so many broken people right now... it feels terrible to consider going back to scotland where we're isolated and so far away from everyone we love.
the pain of again being barren when siblings, friends, and family are getting pregnant on accident... unwanted pregnancies especially are hard to witness. this is life. life is hard. i have plenty of good moments, but they are even tainted and it feels strange when i laugh. i am thankful to be with family. i would be in a really dark place without this love and distraction. i am wrestling with god right now. i feel angry at him sometimes, but then when i'm not thinking about it, i find i'm talking to him about how much everything hurts. even in normal conversations with people when i'm not thinking about it, i find my eyes tearing and then i remember what i'm going through... like my body is grieving even when mentally i'm somewhere else. for the first time in my life i'm considering an anti depressant.
scotland...
so beautiful and so much to see and take in! it seemed like a dream as it approached this last summer. strange though, now that we're there, things have not been what we thought. simple things we assumed would be present are missing. there are many blessings about our life there, our landlord and friends, but many frustrations and disappointments that make life there seem pretty stifling... mostly to me.
we are in a pretty small university town. so apart from the university activities there's not much going on for culture. there are a couple galleries around town, but as far as cultural activities go or art groups, they are very rare. we are looking to move to edinburgh possibly. it's a city, a real city=) also steve's program seems to attract a lot of americans and we have been graciously welcomed into a great group of friends. we had assumed we would be meeting and interacting with scots though... even at church americans seem to be taking leadership roles and preaching. is it bad to be so disappointed that they're american?
financially... say an item is 50 US dollars, in scotland that same item would be 50 GBP. 50 GBP equals about 75 US dollars... so our money doesn't got as far. the cost of everything over there is a great deal more. we've started playing with the idea of living in denver and steve doing his PhD via distance, or going over there a couple times each year for however long. it's so much cheaper to live in the US! i could continue my education and pursue painting and shows. the idea of being back in denver is something that i want so badly especially with dealing with depression from the miscarriage and other family and friend's hardships. i feel terrible being so far from the people i love. i need them and they need me too. i always thought i was great at adjusting to moves... but i think the miscarriage sort of rocked me down deep and i'm more sober and aware of my relationships and having a 'home'. our house in scotland doesn't feel like home to us at all. it would be a lovely place to stay for a visit. i suppose i'm tired of starting over. i feel broken and now stripped of life. i feel like i left myself in denver and i'm just an empty shell now. the small town and cold house we live in i feel like is killing me slowly. not physically... but the person i feel like god brought to life while we lived in denver has been shut up. i'm suffocating and feel so claustrophobic it's unbearable. i'm praying steve's supervisor will let him continue his research from denver. that would be a miracle and all i want for christmas.
this is just part of my life right now... but i read something about journaling helping, and as much as i recommend it to people, i thought i should take my own advice. so though this may be a depressing entry. it's real. we're in a hard place. there are so many good times and steve is my best friend and greatest love... but life is still hard sometimes.
i miss naomi and so much of what we have in our friendship and i want to be in denver.
i ache for janelle. i'm broken for so many friends as they struggle with different things. jen and deirdre, family friends and extended family. there are so many broken people right now... it feels terrible to consider going back to scotland where we're isolated and so far away from everyone we love.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
yes, scotland... it's raining!!!
ahhh! where to start... hmm...
adjusting. pretty much sums it up... it is absolutely beautiful here for sure. chilly most of the time, but i love the temps. i prefer cooler weather.
we are in the middle of getting adjusted. our landlord has made it much easier than it could've been on us. all the cultural differences including driving on the left side of the road, voltage differences, pounds vs dollars, celsius, centimeters, etc! steve's doing well with driving. i've yet to try, my name's not on the rental agreement (good excuse?). we're still waiting on many many things in the mail.
steve's term begins sept 27th. we've visited the school grounds and steve was given a desk assignment for the next three years. it's in a great place with a window looking over some old buildings. he is thrilled considering the other options (a desk in the middle of the room or one in a corner facing the wall!). this is where he'll set up shop and do almost all of his researching and writing during the next three years! we met some other students also starting their divinity phd this term. in the room where steve's desk is, there are 8 other desks and various shelving. there is actually a guy, andrew, that steve knows from denver seminary! there are several other rooms of desks that steve could've been placed in, so he's pretty stoked about this.
we have met a few people, but i am still trying to clean up our home so i'm not scared of it! there are so many spiders and spiderwebs... and HUGE spiders!
i really like our landlord's wife debbie. we had dinner with them monday. she's actually from pennsylvania... the valley forge area. she shared a lot of the struggles she went through when she moved here with her (scottish) husband. she shared about her church and about her ministry with the female university students. after they asked us loads of questions, her husband ken said debbie and i are really similar in a lot of ways. she also told me about a couple other artists that attend their church... one is an older (older than me) lady that has purple streaks in her hair. i think we'll be great friends=)
god has brought a lot of things together in different ways that have encouraged us, and he's also letting us struggle still... for me as i struggle through more adjusting and figuring out what/where god wants me to be in this season. i have looked forward to this season of peace. more time than i've ever had to just sit with him and converse/pray. i haven't done this since i was single. i used to be in constant conversation with him throughout my day and i felt like he spoke to me through everything around me... that was a rich time of my life, spiritually. i'm so tired of trying to juggle everything and feeling like i barely know him... i feel like i'm throwing my life at him now. my life is stripped away from me and i feel raw, but there's something really peaceful about it.
...all my normal entertainment has been delayed in getting here (my paintbrushes aren't here yet, i ordered some canvas but it also isn't here yet, our dvds don't work in uk players, netflix and pandora both don't work in the uk, uk wii games won't work in our US wii, my knitting is somewhere between MI and here, our US cell phones are off and i can't text people in the US, so all my relationships that were mostly text based, have dwindled, and more).
i think everyone should have to go through the adjustments that come with moving out of state at least, but to another country if possible. i think since the move to denver was only 4 years, the feelings and struggles i went through then are fresh on my mind, so i think this will be easier in some respects and i am SO thankful that we went through that. it was a sort of warm up to this move.
we are so far away from friends and family in the states. my whole life up until this moment was spent there, so all my relationships and all my concerns are there. i feel some sadness when i think about everyone and everything we're missing, but i know this time will fly just like our time in denver did, so i'm trying to soak it up.
there's a girl from the states who just moved here for her undergrad. everywhere i go i find myself in some setting working/hanging out with young women. i'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out while we're here!
i'd love to think that god will do amazing things in this time just as he did in denver, so although i have some frustrations and fears, i have a deep feeling of anticipation as we settle in for this season... and... i'm excited to paint some scottish landscapes, knit some blankets, go to football games or watch them with friends at local pubs=), god-willing start a family, learn some music, and hopefully just do life with the friends we'll meet=)
adjusting. pretty much sums it up... it is absolutely beautiful here for sure. chilly most of the time, but i love the temps. i prefer cooler weather.
we are in the middle of getting adjusted. our landlord has made it much easier than it could've been on us. all the cultural differences including driving on the left side of the road, voltage differences, pounds vs dollars, celsius, centimeters, etc! steve's doing well with driving. i've yet to try, my name's not on the rental agreement (good excuse?). we're still waiting on many many things in the mail.
steve's term begins sept 27th. we've visited the school grounds and steve was given a desk assignment for the next three years. it's in a great place with a window looking over some old buildings. he is thrilled considering the other options (a desk in the middle of the room or one in a corner facing the wall!). this is where he'll set up shop and do almost all of his researching and writing during the next three years! we met some other students also starting their divinity phd this term. in the room where steve's desk is, there are 8 other desks and various shelving. there is actually a guy, andrew, that steve knows from denver seminary! there are several other rooms of desks that steve could've been placed in, so he's pretty stoked about this.
we have met a few people, but i am still trying to clean up our home so i'm not scared of it! there are so many spiders and spiderwebs... and HUGE spiders!
i really like our landlord's wife debbie. we had dinner with them monday. she's actually from pennsylvania... the valley forge area. she shared a lot of the struggles she went through when she moved here with her (scottish) husband. she shared about her church and about her ministry with the female university students. after they asked us loads of questions, her husband ken said debbie and i are really similar in a lot of ways. she also told me about a couple other artists that attend their church... one is an older (older than me) lady that has purple streaks in her hair. i think we'll be great friends=)
god has brought a lot of things together in different ways that have encouraged us, and he's also letting us struggle still... for me as i struggle through more adjusting and figuring out what/where god wants me to be in this season. i have looked forward to this season of peace. more time than i've ever had to just sit with him and converse/pray. i haven't done this since i was single. i used to be in constant conversation with him throughout my day and i felt like he spoke to me through everything around me... that was a rich time of my life, spiritually. i'm so tired of trying to juggle everything and feeling like i barely know him... i feel like i'm throwing my life at him now. my life is stripped away from me and i feel raw, but there's something really peaceful about it.
...all my normal entertainment has been delayed in getting here (my paintbrushes aren't here yet, i ordered some canvas but it also isn't here yet, our dvds don't work in uk players, netflix and pandora both don't work in the uk, uk wii games won't work in our US wii, my knitting is somewhere between MI and here, our US cell phones are off and i can't text people in the US, so all my relationships that were mostly text based, have dwindled, and more).
i think everyone should have to go through the adjustments that come with moving out of state at least, but to another country if possible. i think since the move to denver was only 4 years, the feelings and struggles i went through then are fresh on my mind, so i think this will be easier in some respects and i am SO thankful that we went through that. it was a sort of warm up to this move.
we are so far away from friends and family in the states. my whole life up until this moment was spent there, so all my relationships and all my concerns are there. i feel some sadness when i think about everyone and everything we're missing, but i know this time will fly just like our time in denver did, so i'm trying to soak it up.
there's a girl from the states who just moved here for her undergrad. everywhere i go i find myself in some setting working/hanging out with young women. i'm looking forward to seeing how this plays out while we're here!
i'd love to think that god will do amazing things in this time just as he did in denver, so although i have some frustrations and fears, i have a deep feeling of anticipation as we settle in for this season... and... i'm excited to paint some scottish landscapes, knit some blankets, go to football games or watch them with friends at local pubs=), god-willing start a family, learn some music, and hopefully just do life with the friends we'll meet=)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
PACKING!!!! ...again...
it stands thus...
One Steven Duby
One Jodi Duby
vs
Lots of Crap...
let the battle begin.
thankfully we went through this once back in june, so really our stuff is pretty condensed now. we just have to get about 10 bins of necessary stuff jammed into 6... all equal to or less than 50lbs each. ha=)
One Steven Duby
One Jodi Duby
vs
Lots of Crap...
let the battle begin.
thankfully we went through this once back in june, so really our stuff is pretty condensed now. we just have to get about 10 bins of necessary stuff jammed into 6... all equal to or less than 50lbs each. ha=)
family
it's been done in movies, comedies, horror, romance, dramas... drama..., even science fiction. family dynamics that make us smile, cry, laugh, sigh, scream, and swear like sailors. i'm thrown head in into all of my family's... stuff. this season for me has been trying. starting about a year and a half ago and getting harder starting with the spring this year... continuing to escalade with the stresses of moving across the country... and then across the globe. extended time in michigan (this is to be expected) has broken me in new ways. family should take care of family... there's a fine line between that and taking advantage. i feel tired of it... tired of allowances and excuses lending to continued irresponsibility.
...and at the heart of me i'm aching and in the fetal position. it has broken me to find myself unable to share pain with my family. vulnerability gets used as amunition. i think i maybe knew this but hoped for better. these are the people i long to be closest to as i move so often. so what now?
be still before the lord and wait patiently for him? trust in him and do good? dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness...
faithfulness... yes...
yadda yadda yadda but it still hurts?
delight myself in the lord and he'll give me the desires of my heart? i'm seeing multiple meanings... one really nice, and one really deceitful... who are you god?
i wish i didn't need them. still though, i sit here... steve... my best friend... there has never been a better lover.
...and at the heart of me i'm aching and in the fetal position. it has broken me to find myself unable to share pain with my family. vulnerability gets used as amunition. i think i maybe knew this but hoped for better. these are the people i long to be closest to as i move so often. so what now?
be still before the lord and wait patiently for him? trust in him and do good? dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness...
faithfulness... yes...
yadda yadda yadda but it still hurts?
delight myself in the lord and he'll give me the desires of my heart? i'm seeing multiple meanings... one really nice, and one really deceitful... who are you god?
i wish i didn't need them. still though, i sit here... steve... my best friend... there has never been a better lover.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
empty
i thought these days were over. feeling an emptiness i knew only god should fill. meeting my husband moved me out of this emptiness 5 years ago and let me move forward and discover who i am, the strength in me. sad it took getting married for me to pursue this. i am thankful for the journey.
now i grieve my empty womb. after frustrations with people in the way their pregnancies changed them and friendships, here i am. finally after years and years of knowing i wanted this, the time is here, but again i'm reminded that this is out of my control. i am broken again each month as my body starts over and i hit a wall. a hard truth that again, i am empty. this painful shedding is as blunt as it gets. i'll lay in a ball for 2-3 days in great physical pain. i feel somewhat thankful for it... my body is grieving too.
i will keep trying with open hands... as pathetic as i feel for letting this get to me so much. i wish i had been better educated that it could be like this. i know i'm not alone, but i feel it right now. until i move from here or until i meet someone else going through it... i think i am... well, sort of=)
so continues my journey.
we're moving and i lost my journal... thanks blogspot.
now i grieve my empty womb. after frustrations with people in the way their pregnancies changed them and friendships, here i am. finally after years and years of knowing i wanted this, the time is here, but again i'm reminded that this is out of my control. i am broken again each month as my body starts over and i hit a wall. a hard truth that again, i am empty. this painful shedding is as blunt as it gets. i'll lay in a ball for 2-3 days in great physical pain. i feel somewhat thankful for it... my body is grieving too.
i will keep trying with open hands... as pathetic as i feel for letting this get to me so much. i wish i had been better educated that it could be like this. i know i'm not alone, but i feel it right now. until i move from here or until i meet someone else going through it... i think i am... well, sort of=)
so continues my journey.
we're moving and i lost my journal... thanks blogspot.
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